Tag Archives: Letting Go

New Driver

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This was weird. Today my son and my husband happened to be driving next to Juliana and I, as Christian wanted more driving practice (Juliana snapped this picture.) Having him right next to me, yet in another car was strange.

I’m excited for him to be practicing and knowing that he’ll soon be able to drive on his own and can get himself where he needs to be and maybe even help drive his siblings and run errands for me. I’m also a bit melancholy, thinking that he’s growing up and taking flight and once he can drive early next year, he’ll be on his own much more and will need me even less. I’m letting go, letting out the heart strings a little more, like we all do and feeling the growing pains.  Yin and yang, and today I caught another glimpse in the rain, of joy and fear.

I wish you well Christian and know you will be your best and am excited for you and your growing independence. Keep up the good work.

nAMaste

Running Out of Words

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I’ve been writing daily for almost 4 years. That’s crazy to me! I’ve hardly missed a day in all that time, even when on vacation.

I’m starting to feel like I’m out of words and new experiences to share, which might be okay, actually.

Here I Am has been about being in the moment, seeing the good, living life to the fullest every day and sharing my journey with you, hoping to inspire and connect along the way.  My story feels like it is stable and is repeating now, which is a good thing and yet is kinda boring to write about. At least daily. And it’s taking me more time to think about being creative and sharing something meaningful each day, so I’m going to pay attention to the signs and change my daily ritual and let go of the expectation to write every day, which scares me a bit. I hope you don’t mind. I still plan on writing, just not every day.

I’ve begun working this year and my days are quite full now. I have less free time which makes me appreciate the quiet time in the evening even more. 

I’m excited to discover how I’ll fill the gap. I have some ideas, but maybe just maybe I’ll get to sleep a little earlier, which I definitely could use.

So thank you for reading with me all these days! I hope you’ll still keep following me as I figure out a new routine. 🙂 

nAMaste 

Looking for a Sign

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Recently I shared that Charlie had made bags to give away to homeless people in our community through a service project at our church. We have had 3 bags in our car since Wednesday and have only given one away.

Today we were looking for someone holding up a sign, that might need food or a blessing. As we were driving to San Jose for his soccer game, we came across a man in the middle of the intersection with a sign, that said, “God Bless You” and another sign that I could not see. We were stopped at the red light, about 5 cars behind the line and the man was at the front. I opened my window and motioned for him to come our way. He waved me on, as to tell me he’d be right there, as another person had opened their window and was handing him something.

I felt anxious, as I was going to have to move as the light would surely change any second and it made me nervous interacting with a stranger this way.  He eventually made his way up to my window and I showed him the bag, and asked him if he was hungry. He looked at me with a funny, inquisitive look, and I told him we had food and a rain poncho for him.

He did something that surprised me. He didn’t speak English and instead, sort of grunted and frowned and backed away, saying no to me with his actions. He did not want what we had to offer and he did not smile.  This made me curious as to what he did want. Maybe he just wanted money. I’m not sure and I wanted to respect his wishes. I didn’t want to project our wishes to share goodwill when he didn’t wish to receive it. I just said, “Okay. God bless you.” and drove away.

Life doesn’t go as we expect it and I’m practicing accepting what is, in the moment. I think they call this acceptance, without holding on to expectations. It’s not easy to do, but it sure felt good to let go in that instance.

I wish him well and we’ll keep our eyes open to help someone else.

Hope you are well.

Love,

Adriana

 

Create Space

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I’m loving the idea of creating space.

What does this mean to you?

Can you create space between your breathes?  In yoga today, at the end of our practice, Melissa had us take a deep breathe in and hold it. She then told us to breathe in a little more and hold it. And to do it once again. As we held our breathe and were thinking we were out of space in our lungs, we found more 3 times. We created more space and filled it with deep, full breathes and then let it all out. This felt so good.

We also used our breathe to stretch into a deeper stretch with each exhale. We closed the space to go deeper.

What about white space? Cassie has been using a white canvas to create space to display the things she discovers each day. In creating a clean, repeatable space, we her audience anticipate what she will find and present in this beautiful, simple space.

Here’s an example of her beautifully filled, magical space:  http://www.cassiacogger.com/blog/2015/9/26/on-magic-and-participation

Do you need more closet space? Try reading the Marie Kondo book to learn about the importance of creating meaningful and tidy spaces. You can find it on Amazon: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

What about space in your relationships? Are you giving your partner and/or yourself some breathing room? Togetherness is a wonderful thing, but so is time alone to do what you love and to be who you want to be. I’ve noticed that when I create and give space, intimacy fills it. When I try to fill the space by being too needy or demanding, the space becomes like a vacuum and connections are lost. This one is the most fascinating to me. It represents so clearly the push and pull we feel everyday, that yin and yang of tensions and desires.

How about at the end of the day? Do you leave space and time to unwind? Do you create space to snuggle with your kids or partner or pets instead of doing one more chore or checking one more email? I was resisting and practicing this one tonight. I so wanted to do the dishes and get the coffee ready, instead of indulging in snuggles and conversation. I wanted to get stuff done. I didn’t want to snuggle, yet I opened the space to the opportunity that presented itself and the space and love connection grew. I made the right choice, even though I struggled to give in to the calling. Love the little mentors in my life.

Can you do nothing? Can you sit still and allow yourself to be present and to just close your eyes and BE in the space you’re in without any expectations or worry? Sounds easy, but it’s not. Go ahead, try it. See where your mind goes and try to bring it back to the present moment again.

Enjoy the thought of creating your own space. What does it look like? What does it feel like? You get to choose. Just do it.

 nAMaste

The Teens Are Alright

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We had a Friday Night Light High School football game tonight at the Levi Stadium. 

I brought a car full of kids to the game and then they split up and sat with their friends. This made me slightly nervous and since the stadium was not nearly full and brought in a different crowd, I didn’t feel too nervous to let them go. I did feel strange being at the game by “myself” and yet soon found friends to join. 

The irony was that as we moved around and found our own friends, Christian and his friend were seated right in front of me!!  

I enjoyed joking with and talking with the boys and was really happy that Christian’s friend wanted to talk with me.

After the game, we all met up and walked back to the car again. I told all 6 kids that we should take a group selfie together and they didn’t oppose. Since I didn’t ask them if I could share their photo, I’ll have to keep the memory close with me. 

Looking at the snapshot made me smile because my kids and their friends are awesome tweens and teens. 

They were funny and grateful and kind to one another and nice to me too.

 I enjoyed having the opportunity to share an experience together and that they were okay with me being around. I know I am supposed to let go and I am and maybe that’s why they’re okay hanging around because I let them just Be. 

Hmmm…I wonder.

The teens are alright and I think I’m okay with them growing up, if it continues to feel like this. 

Wishing you love and patience and to be alright.

nAMaste

They’re Growing Up!!

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It’s easier to talk about the cats growing up than admitting that my kids are growing up.

I’m having an emotional week or two observing my life changing in front of me and I know it’s all normal and great and I’m still struggling.

My baby went to middle school orientation today. My baby girl went to Freshman orientation and my 1st baby started driving!! They’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to do and I’m freaking out. I want to step on the brakes and slow down and we’re going full speed ahead.

I always dreamed of being a mama and yet I never fully imagined them growing up and doing their own thing, even though my goal in raising them was to raise independent, kind and compassionate thinkers. They’re on their way and I’m feeling a little lost. I’ll find my way again, I’m just in that transitioning phase, redefining my role and I don’t like it very much. I’m proud and happy for them and figuring out what the next phase looks like for all of us.

We’re all growing up and figuring it out as we go, bumps and tears, frustrations and laughs and opinions and all.

Are you in a transition phase? How do you create peace as you go through the change? Wishing you happiness.

xoxo

The Fun Mom

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I love kids and I love candy.  Maybe that’s why they called me the Fun Mom today.  I don’t think they have any idea that they made my day. 

We were waiting for some other kids to join the carpool ride home and I shared my cotton candy treats while we waited.  It was a looooonnnng wait today and I got to practice patience.  I have been practicing not getting mad at people when they do things that I think are wrong. I am trying to not place my expectations on them knowing that most people are good and just see different shades of our shared reality.  

Our friend finally arrived after 30 minutes and I didn’t lose it! I was actually proud of myself for staying calm and enjoying the kids that were in the car with me, waiting together.  I actually love driving the carpool and being with all the cool kids, listening to their stories. Thank goodness they aren’t driving yet!  

We decided to go get frozen yogurts because it was hot in the car and every one had time to hang out a little longer.  Some of my favorite memories from being a kid included the times my friend’s Aunt would take us to 7-11 after school and we could pick whatever we wanted. I loved shaking up our routine and being spoiled and treated to something sweet and fun.  

I think the kids had fun and loved being spoiled today. Hopefully it’ll be a memory they will cherish too one day.

Lost

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So we took our baby girl to the airport today and did the whole group photos, lots of kisses and hugs and sharing thoughts and don’t forgets and call me or text and all that good stuff.  

  

We wished her well and stood anxiously waiting behind the black wall, watching her go through security until we couldn’t see her anymore. And then we left.  No tears, actually! I was proud of myself. Maybe I worked through the anxiety yesterday and was ready and prepared today. Maybe. 

 I am happy for her. 

 I am proud of her. 

 I am okay. 

 What made me sad and anxious was realizing that I’ve done my job and that she’s flying away. Not literally, as in flying to Japan, but she’s flying the nest. She’s got the hang of this life thing and she’s confident, strong, independent, courageous and curious and kind. She’s everything I’ve always wanted her to be. And she’s still young. I wasn’t expecting this to all come together like this, right here, right now. And so it is.

I came home from the airport and just sat still. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing I wanted to do and everything I could do and yet I did nothing. I ate some leftovers, not because I was really hungry, but because food is my anti-anxiety drug of choice. I looked at Facebook and created a FrameMagic collage and posted an update from the moments just passed. I practiced using SnapChat and chatted with Juliana while she waited another 2 hours before her plane departed. 

I sat and waited with her yet in my living room. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was waiting with her. She asked if I was going to sit still for 11 hours too, the same time she would be sitting for the duration of her flight. I told her no way, that wasn’t possible and she laughed. She also told me she was only going to be gone for 240 hours and asked if I was going to sit and wait for her too, and I said absolutely not. 240 hours sounds a lot shorter than 10 days.  She made me laugh.  

Kristin invited me over for a visit and I was thankful that she got me out of the house. I needed to do something and I enjoyed her company and conversation. I continued texting Juliana until her flight took off. It was fun to stay connected and I’m anxiously awaiting her next text around midnight tonight, letting me know she landed.  All is well. 

I called my mom this afternoon, and the first thing she said to me was, “So, do you feel lost?”  And I said, “Yes!! That’s exactly how I feel. How did you know? I didn’t even know that was what I was feeling, but yes. I feel lost.”  She said that’s how she felt when I left to go to Australia when I was 12 years old!!  I so get her. She is one brilliant woman. I am so glad she was brave enough to let me go. She shaped my spirit for adventure and wanderlust and I have now shared this with my kids.

I’m okay feeling a little lost. 

This is real and it’s normal and she’s fine and I’m fine. I am vulnerable and just a little lost – like I don’t know what to do with her not here and not having to pick her up or make her lunch or make her gluten-free dinners or take her here nor there.  She’s okay and I’m okay – it’s just different and we’re growing up. Both of us.  

Laurie called today to check on me and several friends and family texted to see how I was feeling and to wish Juliana well. I am grateful, especially to Laurie who could see me and my anxiety and reached out, despite her own feelings of loss. How did she do that? I am in awe of her, always. She’s one strong woman who I admire so much. 

The sisterhood of motherhood is strong in my village.  

I don’t feel so lost anymore. I can’t wait to hear all the stories about adventures in Japan! Have fun, baby girl and live it up!!

Carry on, BeLoveRs!!

nAMaste sisters!

Anxiety

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Juliana leaves tomorrow morning for Japan without me. She’s going with 14 other kids and 2 chaperones for 10 days.  It’s part of a school sponsored trip and I am so happy for her. 

  

Yet I am filled with anxiety and my body is doing weird things like dancing, cooking, shopping and nesting and more cooking. I even learned how to smoke a tritip on the Traeger!  I am proud and it was delicious and gobbled up with the homemade chimichurri sauce.  

   

   

I wanted to make the perfect dinner before her send off and wanted to be in her room right next to her and started dancing and had to go shopping at the mall to find the ONE pair of shoes she really “needed” to go to Japan and be comfortable. This is WEIRD! I know I’m acting a bit crazy and know I’m filled with anxiety and everything is okay, I just am. 

 I am happy for her and know she will have an excellent experience and be safe and all that good stuff, but the FEAR keeps settling in. I’m trying to make it go away with rational thought, yet I keep dancing and moving and shaking.  Argh!!!  This too shall pass.  

32 years ago I was the little girl getting ready to go to Australia with my soccer team and this was before Internet, wireless phones and texting! My mama was so brave letting me go. I’ll have to kiss her again the next time I see her and thank her for letting me go. She’s pretty amazing!

  

I am smart and conflicted and stuck in this middle place, waiting and anticipating her departure and return back to the mama nest. Hurry up already and go and learn and grow and come back to me. Please? 

This is the coolest kid ever. She has packed herself and doesn’t really need me, yet I keep finding things to share or advice to give just so I can feel a part of the process. 

  

She’s pretty rad in letting me in and knowing that I’m struggling and is just the cutest thing ever. Maybe it helps her to not be afraid because she’s too worried about me. Ha! This is a good strategy!!

I don’t get why I’m so worried. She’s already an international traveler and has been away from me multiple times, even with her own passport. 

She’s good at this independence and travel thing and I’m confident in her abilities to navigate the globe.  I think it’s partially because of my unfamiliarity with Japan and not being able to recognize the characters and language, that I feel lost and helpless should I have to go there to help her. Probably 99% irrational fear, and 1% real and I’m letting that little itty bitty percent take over my body.  It’s time to namaste that s*#T!!

Okay, fine. I’ll let it go and take all my own advice and be in the moment and let it go. Just breathe.  AAAAAHhhhhhhhhhh 

Okay. Almost better.

How do you handle anxiety?

I wish you peace and wish Juliana a safe and wildly fun experience in Japan. Can’t wait to hear your story. I love you baby girl!!

xoxo  nAMaste

Dealing with Pain

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Do you have a strategy for dealing with pain?

I don’t and I suck at it.

I get very impatient and am in denial that anything is wrong. I try to pretend that all is well, even when I can’t move and I get very antsy.

I have a pinched nerve in my neck from sleeping wrong and can’t lift my neck easily. I hate this.

I still tried carrying on as usual, but was so impatient and irritable. I stopped at the drug store after Charlie’s game to pick up some icy hot pads and Tiger balm cream and couldn’t handle the kids asking me for anything. I just wanted them to be quiet and to take care of my own needs and not theirs. This felt so weird to me.

I came home and Juliana helped apply the pad and rubbed my back before I sat on the couch. I wanted to rest and do nothing but couldn’t sit still for long.

I wanted to help Jeff make the dinner I was going to make. I tried to help a little bit but paced back and forth more than doing anything really useful. I was thankful that the kids were helping out and I felt weird not doing much. Dinner was delicious and we all enjoyed just being together despite my stiff neck.

I cancelled my tennis lesson for tomorrow, which made me acknowledge the painful truth that I’m not so great today. Ahhhhh. Bummer. This too shall pass.

For the rest of the night, I’m going to lay on the couch and relax and hope that this tension in my muscles will dissipate and let go.

I am not a very good patient and I don’t sit still very well. What do you do when you’re experiencing pain?

Namaste