Running Out of Words

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I’ve been writing daily for almost 4 years. That’s crazy to me! I’ve hardly missed a day in all that time, even when on vacation.

I’m starting to feel like I’m out of words and new experiences to share, which might be okay, actually.

Here I Am has been about being in the moment, seeing the good, living life to the fullest every day and sharing my journey with you, hoping to inspire and connect along the way. My story feels like it is stable and is repeating now, which is a good thing and yet is kinda boring to write about. At least daily. And it’s taking me more time to think about being creative and sharing something meaningful each day, so I’m going to pay attention to the signs and change my daily ritual and let go of the expectation to write every day, which scares me a bit. I hope you don’t mind. I still plan on writing, just not every day.

I’ve begun working this year and my days are quite full now. I have less free time which makes me appreciate the quiet time in the evening even more.

I’m excited to discover how I’ll fill the gap. I have some ideas, but maybe just maybe I’ll get to sleep a little earlier, which I definitely could use.

So thank you for reading with me all these days! I hope you’ll still keep following me as I figure out a new routine. 🙂

nAMaste

8Apr2015

Anxiety

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

Juliana leaves tomorrow morning for Japan without me. She’s going with 14 other kids and 2 chaperones for 10 days. It’s part of a school sponsored trip and I am so happy for her.

Yet I am filled with anxiety and my body is doing weird things like dancing, cooking, shopping and nesting and more cooking. I even learned how to smoke a tritip on the Traeger! I am proud and it was delicious and gobbled up with the homemade chimichurri sauce.

I wanted to make the perfect dinner before her send off and wanted to be in her room right next to her and started dancing and had to go shopping at the mall to find the ONE pair of shoes she really “needed” to go to Japan and be comfortable. This is WEIRD! I know I’m acting a bit crazy and know I’m filled with anxiety and everything is okay, I just am.

I am happy for her and know she will have an excellent experience and be safe and all that good stuff, but the FEAR keeps settling in. I’m trying to make it go away with rational thought, yet I keep dancing and moving and shaking. Argh!!! This too shall pass.

32 years ago I was the little girl getting ready to go to Australia with my soccer team and this was before Internet, wireless phones and texting! My mama was so brave letting me go. I’ll have to kiss her again the next time I see her and thank her for letting me go. She’s pretty amazing!

I am smart and conflicted and stuck in this middle place, waiting and anticipating her departure and return back to the mama nest. Hurry up already and go and learn and grow and come back to me. Please?

This is the coolest kid ever. She has packed herself and doesn’t really need me, yet I keep finding things to share or advice to give just so I can feel a part of the process.

She’s pretty rad in letting me in and knowing that I’m struggling and is just the cutest thing ever. Maybe it helps her to not be afraid because she’s too worried about me. Ha! This is a good strategy!!

I don’t get why I’m so worried. She’s already an international traveler and has been away from me multiple times, even with her own passport.

She’s good at this independence and travel thing and I’m confident in her abilities to navigate the globe. I think it’s partially because of my unfamiliarity with Japan and not being able to recognize the characters and language, that I feel lost and helpless should I have to go there to help her. Probably 99% irrational fear, and 1% real and I’m letting that little itty bitty percent take over my body. It’s time to namaste that s*#T!!

Okay, fine. I’ll let it go and take all my own advice and be in the moment and let it go. Just breathe. AAAAAHhhhhhhhhhh

Okay. Almost better.

How do you handle anxiety?

I wish you peace and wish Juliana a safe and wildly fun experience in Japan. Can’t wait to hear your story. I love you baby girl!!

xoxo nAMaste

12Oct2014

Changing Expectations

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”― Allen Saunders

Isn’t it crazy and sometimes heartbreaking how life doesn’t go as we plan?

Why is it we expect it to be the way we want it to be and then it’s not?

One of the things I’m practicing is learning to adapt in the moment that life throws a curve ball. I’m not saying I like it or that it’s easy, it just is. Life Is. And I’m practicing and failing and practicing. Ugh.

Sometimes it’s a small change we hardly pay attention to, and sometimes it’s big. Really big.

Regardless of the change, once life happens we have to choose how to react to the given moment and hopefully we can do it with grace. And hopefully we can adapt gracefully, quickly, and without lingering negativity.

For example, today I was scheduled to play a USTA tennis match. I had mixed feelings about playing, but knew that I had this commitment and wanted to do my best despite my anxiety and conflicts about playing just today.

I got to the courts early for practice with my partner and finally warmed up to they idea of playing and enjoying the sunshine and slight breeze. I had sunscreen on. I had brought a bottle of Gatorade and had refilled my water bottle. I ate a power bar for energy and I was prepared and ready to win. However, right as we were getting on our assigned courts, the captain called my name and told me that one of the other team members got the time wrong and they defaulted on our court, meaning we no longer had to play and won the match by default.

This was not what I had expected. This is not the way I wanted to win. I reluctantly came, prepared to play and wanted to earn my win. I didn’t like being denied the opportunity to play, after I was ready and mentally prepared. I was mad for a split second or two. And then I recovered and thought of Plan B. We should always be thinking of our Plan B and maybe even C and D. My Plan B was to go home (while I was mad), but that would have meant chores and no exercise. So I chose Plan C – and stayed and played singles with my partner and worked on a few new things. I was happy to have played and enjoyed the afternoon after all, with my friends, playing a little tennis, watching a little tennis in the shade and enjoying a lunch together afterwards.

I think the lesson is that life really doesn’t go as planned and that we should plan anyway, hope for the best, and then come up with a plan B or C or D, so that we can continue living in the moment, even if it’s not the moment we had envisioned.

Life IS good, despite the continuous curve balls.