Day 46: Summer

It’s almost August. I think it starts next week. Oh my goodness. It does. That means school starts up again 3 weeks from tomorrow, which seems like a long time but it’s not really! We have residency verification dates and photo dates and school schedule pick up dates  and pirate camp and life guarding and driving lessons and homework to still squeeze in before we are done. It feels like summer is almost over and that gives me anxiety! I feel like it just begun and I’m finally getting the hang of it. I’m a little slow at this adapting thing, and once I finally feel comfortable, it’s gonna be time to create a new schedule again and to change again. 

Hopefully I’ll be ready, but right now I’m already feeling the end of summer blues.

How do you handle change? Do you flow? Do you get anxiety? Is it no big thing? I am curious.

Here’s to slowing down and enjoying the last few weeks of summer! I plan to go paddle boarding and to get to the beach before it’s over. What will you do with your summer days?

Day 15: Summer

My big kids come home from Mexico tomorrow. I have been anxious all day waiting to hear news about how they’re doing and was happy to see a post that they were finally state side. I started nesting again, like I did when I was pregnant with them.  That’s all I wanted to do today and I think that’s weird, but it’s my truth. 

So we folded all the laundry, fixed Juliana’s headboard and decluttered some more. 

I was thankful when Charlie suggested we get out of the house and came up with a plan. He wanted to get frozen yogurt, Japanese snacks and sushi from the Japanese market and take it home to watch a movie together. This combination made me laugh and I loved that I have a kid who loves froyo and sushi. It made for a perfectly relaxing evening and settled my anxiety.

Life is good. What simple thing did you enjoy today? 

nAMaste

Lockdown

“we’re in lockdown”

These are not words you want to receive from your daughter and son.

“i’m scared”

Me too.

The lockdown didn’t last long. Just long enough for adrenaline to rush through my veins and to leave me shaken again. Vulnerable. Afraid. Helpless. Nervous. Scared. Angry.

“we’re on the ground”

Stay calm. Breathe. Do what they tell you and cooperate. Fight if you have to.

What the hell are these words?

I hated this afternoon. I hated the feelings that some teenager walking with a toy gun created for our family, our friends and our community.

Luckily they were freed and everyone was safe and physically unharmed. Emotionally, I still don’t feel good, even though the situation didn’t last very long. I felt helpless and mad that my kids had to experience this fear and had to lie on the ground without knowing if they were safe or not, while I helplessly waited for their homecoming.

When they came home, I cried and hugged them and cleared my schedule. I was thankful that the local police had the situation under control immediately and the kids were freed to come home to their worried mama, who was texting and calling and searching for answers while I anxiously waited.

When they came home, we all sat on the couch and watched Gilmore Girls on Netflix. We didn’t stress about dinner or homework. Afterwards, Juliana and I went to relax and got pedicures together, on a Monday at dinner time, instead. This made me happy.

Hug your kids and loved ones and enjoy the shared moments.

nAMaste BeLoveRs. Carry on. All is well.

 

 

 

 

 

Love Your Neighbor

Today I loved my brave neighbor.

She was walking by my house when no one was home and noticed some strange behavior. Some guy was knocking at my door and lingering. She sent me a text to see if I was expecting anyone. At the same time as I was replying to her text, I was checking our dropcam and could see the guy at my door.

I absolutely love that people are watching out for me and my family. When I replied that I wasn’t expecting anyone, she walked back to see if he was still there and as she walked back the guy had jumped over my fence.

By this time, my husband was calling the police. She was brave and approached the guy standing in the street to ask what they were doing. 

While I was on the phone listening to her confront the strangers, I had the police on the other phone telling me that the police were on their way, and I sat shaking and nervous and feeling helpless with that sick feeling in my stomach. I heard dogs barking and was thankful that another neighbor was walking by with her dogs and that my friend was not alone. 

Eventually we learned that the men actually were legitimate workers and were subcontractors for PG&E. The police told me that it was legal for them to jump over my fence. I disagree with this rule and feel it is unsafe for everyone. I think we should have been told beforehand that they needed access to our property before they chose to create chaos and anxiety.

In the end, all was good. The workers worked. The police policed and the neighbors neighbored.  I am thankful for our community, and especially for my neighbor and our supportive public safety officers.

Life is good.

Good for Rest

My cats inspire me to rest, yet I’m still not good at it yet.

I had some free time and decided to rest today and to take a nap. My cats  decided to keep me company and to pay lots of attention to me. I enjoyed their company but never did manage to get to sleep. Maybe someday,  but for now I’ll just enjoy their purring and warmth and togetherness.

   
 
How do you rest and how often do you give yourself time to do so? 

Life is good.

nAMaste

Day 7 – Juliana Home from Japan

I am thankful that our baby girl returned home safely from Japan today.

We were up until 2am our time, texting back and forth until her plane departed from Tokyo.  I finally felt like I could rest but I was too anxious and kept waking up every couple of hours, wondering if she was okay and if her plane was still safe. 

I was thankful when her texts returned this morning letting me know she was almost on the ground and when she finally landed.  We were all at the airport waiting and anticipating her arrival, along with her friends and classmates. The feeling of homecoming was overwhelming and exciting. At the same time, I felt connected to my sister cousin and felt her pain knowing that her son was not coming home. It’s hard to feel complete joy now when I am aware of such pain. Yin and yang. We are all connected. As I was sharing her pain, she was sharing my joy. This is surreal to me. It’s our shared journey and reality. It’s real and makes me especially appreciate life and all that is good, despite all that is bad, every day. 

I am thankful for this one life and plan to continue living it up each day, celebrating and feeling and connecting and sharing and loving, good times and bad. 

nAMaste BeLoveRs and welcome home Juliana. 

  

Lost

So we took our baby girl to the airport today and did the whole group photos, lots of kisses and hugs and sharing thoughts and don’t forgets and call me or text and all that good stuff.  

  

We wished her well and stood anxiously waiting behind the black wall, watching her go through security until we couldn’t see her anymore. And then we left.  No tears, actually! I was proud of myself. Maybe I worked through the anxiety yesterday and was ready and prepared today. Maybe. 

 I am happy for her. 

 I am proud of her. 

 I am okay. 

 What made me sad and anxious was realizing that I’ve done my job and that she’s flying away. Not literally, as in flying to Japan, but she’s flying the nest. She’s got the hang of this life thing and she’s confident, strong, independent, courageous and curious and kind. She’s everything I’ve always wanted her to be. And she’s still young. I wasn’t expecting this to all come together like this, right here, right now. And so it is.

I came home from the airport and just sat still. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing I wanted to do and everything I could do and yet I did nothing. I ate some leftovers, not because I was really hungry, but because food is my anti-anxiety drug of choice. I looked at Facebook and created a FrameMagic collage and posted an update from the moments just passed. I practiced using SnapChat and chatted with Juliana while she waited another 2 hours before her plane departed. 

I sat and waited with her yet in my living room. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was waiting with her. She asked if I was going to sit still for 11 hours too, the same time she would be sitting for the duration of her flight. I told her no way, that wasn’t possible and she laughed. She also told me she was only going to be gone for 240 hours and asked if I was going to sit and wait for her too, and I said absolutely not. 240 hours sounds a lot shorter than 10 days.  She made me laugh.  

Kristin invited me over for a visit and I was thankful that she got me out of the house. I needed to do something and I enjoyed her company and conversation. I continued texting Juliana until her flight took off. It was fun to stay connected and I’m anxiously awaiting her next text around midnight tonight, letting me know she landed.  All is well. 

I called my mom this afternoon, and the first thing she said to me was, “So, do you feel lost?”  And I said, “Yes!! That’s exactly how I feel. How did you know? I didn’t even know that was what I was feeling, but yes. I feel lost.”  She said that’s how she felt when I left to go to Australia when I was 12 years old!!  I so get her. She is one brilliant woman. I am so glad she was brave enough to let me go. She shaped my spirit for adventure and wanderlust and I have now shared this with my kids.

I’m okay feeling a little lost. 

This is real and it’s normal and she’s fine and I’m fine. I am vulnerable and just a little lost – like I don’t know what to do with her not here and not having to pick her up or make her lunch or make her gluten-free dinners or take her here nor there.  She’s okay and I’m okay – it’s just different and we’re growing up. Both of us.  

Laurie called today to check on me and several friends and family texted to see how I was feeling and to wish Juliana well. I am grateful, especially to Laurie who could see me and my anxiety and reached out, despite her own feelings of loss. How did she do that? I am in awe of her, always. She’s one strong woman who I admire so much. 

The sisterhood of motherhood is strong in my village.  

I don’t feel so lost anymore. I can’t wait to hear all the stories about adventures in Japan! Have fun, baby girl and live it up!!

Carry on, BeLoveRs!!

nAMaste sisters!