Lockdown

Posted in family, fear, one love, parenting by adrianahartley

“we’re in lockdown”

These are not words you want to receive from your daughter and son.

“i’m scared”

Me too.

The lockdown didn’t last long. Just long enough for adrenaline to rush through my veins and to leave me shaken again. Vulnerable. Afraid. Helpless. Nervous. Scared. Angry.

“we’re on the ground”

Stay calm. Breathe. Do what they tell you and cooperate. Fight if you have to.

What the hell are these words?

I hated this afternoon. I hated the feelings that some teenager walking with a toy gun created for our family, our friends and our community.

Luckily they were freed and everyone was safe and physically unharmed. Emotionally, I still don’t feel good, even though the situation didn’t last very long. I felt helpless and mad that my kids had to experience this fear and had to lie on the ground without knowing if they were safe or not, while I helplessly waited for their homecoming.

When they came home, I cried and hugged them and cleared my schedule. I was thankful that the local police had the situation under control immediately and the kids were freed to come home to their worried mama, who was texting and calling and searching for answers while I anxiously waited.

When they came home, we all sat on the couch and watched Gilmore Girls on Netflix. We didn’t stress about dinner or homework. Afterwards, Juliana and I went to relax and got pedicures together, on a Monday at dinner time, instead. This made me happy.

Hug your kids and loved ones and enjoy the shared moments.

nAMaste BeLoveRs. Carry on. All is well.

10Oct2015

Good for Rest

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

My cats inspire me to rest, yet I’m still not good at it yet.

I had some free time and decided to rest today and to take a nap. My cats decided to keep me company and to pay lots of attention to me. I enjoyed their company but never did manage to get to sleep. Maybe someday, but for now I’ll just enjoy their purring and warmth and togetherness.

How do you rest and how often do you give yourself time to do so?

Life is good.

nAMaste

8Apr2015

Anxiety

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

Juliana leaves tomorrow morning for Japan without me. She’s going with 14 other kids and 2 chaperones for 10 days. It’s part of a school sponsored trip and I am so happy for her.

Yet I am filled with anxiety and my body is doing weird things like dancing, cooking, shopping and nesting and more cooking. I even learned how to smoke a tritip on the Traeger! I am proud and it was delicious and gobbled up with the homemade chimichurri sauce.

I wanted to make the perfect dinner before her send off and wanted to be in her room right next to her and started dancing and had to go shopping at the mall to find the ONE pair of shoes she really “needed” to go to Japan and be comfortable. This is WEIRD! I know I’m acting a bit crazy and know I’m filled with anxiety and everything is okay, I just am.

I am happy for her and know she will have an excellent experience and be safe and all that good stuff, but the FEAR keeps settling in. I’m trying to make it go away with rational thought, yet I keep dancing and moving and shaking. Argh!!! This too shall pass.

32 years ago I was the little girl getting ready to go to Australia with my soccer team and this was before Internet, wireless phones and texting! My mama was so brave letting me go. I’ll have to kiss her again the next time I see her and thank her for letting me go. She’s pretty amazing!

I am smart and conflicted and stuck in this middle place, waiting and anticipating her departure and return back to the mama nest. Hurry up already and go and learn and grow and come back to me. Please?

This is the coolest kid ever. She has packed herself and doesn’t really need me, yet I keep finding things to share or advice to give just so I can feel a part of the process.

She’s pretty rad in letting me in and knowing that I’m struggling and is just the cutest thing ever. Maybe it helps her to not be afraid because she’s too worried about me. Ha! This is a good strategy!!

I don’t get why I’m so worried. She’s already an international traveler and has been away from me multiple times, even with her own passport.

She’s good at this independence and travel thing and I’m confident in her abilities to navigate the globe. I think it’s partially because of my unfamiliarity with Japan and not being able to recognize the characters and language, that I feel lost and helpless should I have to go there to help her. Probably 99% irrational fear, and 1% real and I’m letting that little itty bitty percent take over my body. It’s time to namaste that s*#T!!

Okay, fine. I’ll let it go and take all my own advice and be in the moment and let it go. Just breathe. AAAAAHhhhhhhhhhh

Okay. Almost better.

How do you handle anxiety?

I wish you peace and wish Juliana a safe and wildly fun experience in Japan. Can’t wait to hear your story. I love you baby girl!!

xoxo nAMaste

12Jul2014

Let It Go

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

What are you holding on to that you need to let go to create space? Is it physical or mental?

Letting go isn’t always easy. It’s just something that we choose to do when we are ready, and usually sooner is better because we are set free to start again or start something new.

But usually letting go takes work, again either physically and/or mentally, and lots of times, negative feelings such as fear, sadness, loneliness, etc., are part of letting go, which is why we probably procrastinate and put it off.

Today we let go of our family swing set. This made me sad for a few reasons. Mainly it marks the passing of time and I’m fully aware the kids are growing up.

I woke the kids up to go play on it one more time this morning, before the guys began taking it apart.

The funny thing is that I’ve raised the kids to be comfortable with letting go of stuff and they were completely fine with it. I was the sad one.

Mark said we could come sit on it again in his yard and was so thankful that his little kids would get to enjoy it.

This is the best part of giving things to your friends – the things you love get to be enjoyed by your friends and you get a chance to see them enjoying what you once enjoyed or get invited to play.

So with the sadness comes joy: the joy of giving and seeing others happy; the joy of creating space and dreaming of new teen fun for the backyard – got any ideas? Hot tub? Pool? Trampoline?

And the joy of letting go…my theme for this year…let it go, let it go…

All is well. That wasn’t so bad.

On to new dreams and play spaces.

Life is good.

6Aug2013

Redefining Yourself

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

How often do you think about transforming yourself? Kind of like a butterfly, transitioning from one stage unto the next and becoming something new?

Some people transition their bodies, others transition their spiritual selves, some their jobs, and others their hobbies or life style. Some transition with a significant event such as a birth, a death, marriage, divorce, college, kids leaving or returning, retirement or a new job. Some choose to make a change because they become uncomfortable in their current state and others just want something new. Some have no choice and some do.

There are so many ways to change and adapt and I love this process. I love recreating myself every few months. I almost seek out change and think about what I want to be when I grow up.

Sometimes change is scary and brings on anxiety. Some times it is spontaneous and desired and quick. Sometimes it takes forever. Sometimes change is welcome and sometimes it is not. But change is always constant. Isn’t that crazy?

We’re always constantly changing and we always have the opportunity to start again, to start something new. I do like this process of life’s journey and am thankful for the opportunities to begin again. If you’re not happy where you are, change it. Start over. Ask for a do over and begin again. Aren’t we lucky?

Right now I’m observing and wondering where I’ll go next. What do I want to do with my days once the kids go back to school? I have some ideas and I can’t wait to explore them and let them unfold. I just ordered my Fall Stella & Dot samples and can’t wait to start selling jewelry again. I played tennis today and can’t wait to have more time to be on the courts with friends and getting better, I hope! I can’t wait to explore the water ways on my paddle board with a friend. I am dreaming up a storm right now, while in this transitionary state. What are you dreaming of?

I used to like the quarter system at Cal Poly, because every short while we were starting over again. And if you didn’t like one class, you didn’t have to worry, because it would soon be over and the next one would be beginning.

One of my favorite mottos ( I have many) is this too shall pass. So if you’re stuck where you are, don’t worry. This too shall pass. And I hope the next phase will be more enjoyable for you. Just dream a little dream and enjoy the ride!

Namaste.