Anxiety and Back to School

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

You’d think I’d be excited for the kids to go back to school tomorrow, yet I’m filled with anxiety and mixed feelings.

Of course, I’m ready for my “vacation” to begin, as we’ve had a ton of togetherness these past ten weeks, yet I’m filled with a sense of loss and I always feel like this before a big change.

I start seriously nesting and feeling like I have to reorganize, sort and declutter and buy everything new. We bought new shoes for all three kids today for their first day tomorrow. I think it’s cute that they picked matching Vans.

Backpacks are filled and we’ve got special snacks for back to school filled lunch bags.

We started reading more and practicing Chemistry. Just a little more practice so they aren’t too rusty before returning to “work.”

New outfits have been laid out and we had a relatively quiet day, just spending the day together as a family before the mad dash at 6 am tomorrow morning.

I’m planning on making breakfast burritos when they wake up and take pictures before they head off.

And to fend off the anxiety, I got out a board game to play with the younger two before we ended the day. We had fun playing a couple rounds of Sequence.

I know all will be well and they will find their new ways, and hopefully their paths will be smooth with the right classes and good teachers and good friends. I will miss them being home as much as I’ll enjoy the quiet and fewer messes. It’s that yin and yang thing again and feeling of being conflicted. And so it goes.

God bless all the children and mamas and papas as they transition this week and always. Life is a series of transitions. We should be getting good at these!! :-). And thank you to all the teachers we trust to guide and teach our children everyday and the community that supports us along the way.

Have a good school year, everyone!

Namaste

8Aug2014

Balance

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

This has been one of my favorite beach and river activities this summer. I love balancing rocks and making rock sculptures, seeing how high we can build them before they topple over.

How many things can we balance before we are out of tilt? Hmmm… Something to think about.

Sometimes we can carry a lot and sometimes we can’t, but that’s ok because we can always start again if things start to fall.

That’s a beautiful thing.

7Jul2014

Driving and Waiting

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I spend a lot of time driving and waiting and driving and waiting. Some times this frustrates me. It’s not what I want to do.

This is my view right now as I wait. Car is parked. I am sitting and waiting. I don’t want to rush back and forth so tonight I chose to sit and wait. That’s weird for me and out of my comfort zone.

There are so many things I can do yet I choose to do nothing. I didn’t want to rush back and forth and try to squeeze in one more task before getting in the car again. So I chose to park and do nothing.

Well not really nothing, but something different. I am sitting still. I am enjoying the space of quiet and solitude and can feel the cool breeze blowing through my open window. I am liking the sound of the wind through the trees and watching people walk by with their dogs and basketballs and holding hands and running.

I checked Facebook and email and played a game. I looked at my book that sits next to me and then decided to write early tonight. I am content just sitting here. Who knew?

Yesterday I was frustrated with this process of driving around every few hours and having my day interrupted again and again. But at the end of the day, I changed my attitude and was thankful that I had time alone in the car with my oldest. I realized that probably within the next year, he won’t need me to drive him. And in that moment, I wasn’t frustrated anymore. In that moment I was happy that I was still needed, even though it came in a different form than I typically see myself as being needed. He was thankful for the rides and I was thankful to share time with him.

Tonight I’m thankful for this gift of a free hour, waiting to pick up my daughter with no rush and no expectations and am glad I chose to enjoy the quiet vs being frustrated by the drive and wait and drive and wait game.

Sometimes we just have to sit still and wait and be patient and good things can fill the space. Hmmm.

Namaste.

16Jun2014

Today is My Birthday!

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I still love birthdays. Thank you for all the birthday love shared. It was the best day to be alive! Much better than the alternative, and my dad wished me another fifty years, hoping he’d be there to celebrate too! Crazy man…I love him!

My car was decorated on the inside with a Dutch banner, wishing me a happy birthday. We usually decorate our kitchen with banners and streamers on birthdays, but since we were gone, Juliana and Jeff decorated my car last night to surprise me this morning. Aren’t they cute? I should have taken a picture!!

We spent the day in Lake Tahoe again and journeyed back home in time for a surprise chocolate cake and visit with April and Steve and the girls.

We had breakfast at The Old Post Office on the North Shore with my Aunt and Uncle, and my mom and dad. I loved being together with everyone and the breakfast was delicious! If you’re looking for a hearty breakfast, in a cozy, family diner setting with friendly service, you should visit this place.

I opened my birthday cards and presents and after breakfast, we took a drive to the South Shore with my parents to walk near the water before heading home. We stopped by Camp Richardson, at the Tallac Historic Site and beach area, where we hung out 5 years ago. I loved the colored sand and calm beachfront and was so tempted to go paddle again, especially since it wasn’t windy here. We couldn’t stay long as we needed to get back home at a decent hour.

Just having fun being dry and balanced on the water!!
We said goodbye to my parents and took off for home, listening to the USA vs Ghana World Cup game details on XM radio and loving that the USA won 2-1! We also listened to my new CDs that Juliana and Jeff picked out for me for my birthday.

I loved reading all the lovely Facebook messages and texts and emails with birthday wishes and love and memories. Thank you for sharing this day with me and making the car ride fun!

My birthday ended with my other family coming over with birthday cake to celebrate together. I received a very special gift in a jar. It had a play date coupon inside, for just me and my little friend Jessie, that was hand painted with some great ideas for our date together. I can’t wait to redeem it!!

I am the luckiest birthday princess in the world!

I wish you love, peace, & happiness every day, that is my birth-day wish for you! Namaste.

It’s not a party, without M&Ms!!

5Jun2014

The Happiest Place on Earth

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Today I decided that I’m related to Walt Disney and that it’s my mission to create the Happiest Place on Earth. Here. Right now. Where we are. Don’t laugh. It’s true.

I think we all have the power to be happy, to create happiness and to live happily ever after despite the chaos and craziness of life.

This is what I do really well.

I practice it daily.

I sing. I laugh. A lot. At stupid things. And it’s hard to not smile back when someone is laughing at herself. Just ask my family.

I dance. I smile. I make connections.

I get it. I get you. I get life. And I’m not afraid to show it. Or to live it. Or to forget about it and let go. So what?

And don’t bother me, because I’m living happily ever after

Just kidding. But that is another one of my life mottos.

I choose love.

I choose happiness.

I choose you and me and them and us. We are one. One love. And we all can live happily ever after. Just choose with me. Right now. Smile. Laugh. Live. Love.

Namaste.

23May2014

Lean In?

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I met the coolest women today playing tennis. One was an architect and the other ran non-profit organizations. They both recently gave up their careers to be with their kids full time and were adapting to this new life stage. I was fascinated by their stories and could have spent hours listening to how they made their choices and whether they were happy.

They described how they were still recovering from post traumatic stress. It sounds like they were working so hard to do it all and to be all they could be to their employers, clients, partners and kids and they were now in recovery. They had long commutes and clients that demanded their attention when they were home with their kids. They had nannies they relied on who did things differently than they would have done. They would make it home for a few hours with the kids in the evening, put them to bed and then work again from 10 – 2 am. Is this what they meant by lean in? They must have burned out.

I’m so happy that they have chosen to lean out and catch their breathes again, and were out playing tennis. I’m sure it’s an adjustment period and I’m sure they will find their groove, if they haven’t already. These are smart, strong, beautiful women.

There is a lot of pressure on women to do it all. I’m sure there is a lot of pressure on everyone who works hard, but as a mama, we have double duty and the work doesn’t end.

So my point in writing this, is to acknowledge women and the choices they make and to support one another along our different journeys. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them to give up their careers, nor is it easy to stay home with kids either. I think it’s important for us to talk about this and that when we choose to work or quit, that it’s ok. I hope they feel supported and give themselves some slack as they figure out their new roles and daily responsibilities and make time for themselves. We are always adapting and changing and the good news is this is just a stage. If we don’t like it, we can change it. Or the kids will grow out of it and we’ll learn something new.

Namaste.

These trees are in bloom all over town right now and catch my eye.

12May2014

The Real Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day was fabulous of course – but everyone was home and together, which is fabulous too, but noisy and chaotic and messy. Let’s just keep things real.

We all know the real Mother’s Day is Monday – the day AFTER when everyone goes back to school again, and we’re so thankful for the peace and quiet and lack of clutter and arguments and messes.

My floor was soooo dirty! And the laundry piled up – even though I was the one doing the washing yesterday!

Wasn’t I supposed to have the day off? Hmmm… I kept washing, and today sorted, making piles in baskets for each of the monkeys to fold and put away themselves. They are big enough now to do that on their own. I still choose to fold mine and Jeff’s and all the towels and socks and linens. I actually stayed home for an hour today to clean up a bit, since I am a “stay at home” kinda mom who doesn’t really stay home. Seriously.

Today I was busy exercising and burning off all the extra calories I consumed in my celebratory state. And then I spent the day in misery – shopping for a bathing suit. No woman really likes to shop for a bathing suit. It’s depressing. I went everywhere – trying to find one that looks half way decent. You’re not going to believe this, but the last place I went, was a walk by, grab and go, without even trying it on WIN!! I literally had five minutes left of shopping time before picking up Juliana, that I just grabbed it off the rack, went up to the check stand and asked if I could return it if it didn’t fit, if the tags were still on. SInce they said yes, I took my purchase and shoved it in my purse (because they don’t give out bags anymore!) and raced out the door, so I could be 3 minutes late to pick up my daughter. I came home and tried it on with my full dinner belly, and actually didn’t cringe. It looked ok – it’ll do. And my misery is over. Just like that. 5 minutes. After hours and miles and a gazillion shops and try ons that didn’t work. Oh, I wish it could be this simple all the time, and next time, before I put in the hours of work.

How was your Real Mother’s Day?? You get me, right? tee hee hee…. xo

I leave you with this, that I found on Momastery –

Mamaste

“My soul honors your soul.

I honor the space where

Motherhood resides in you.

I honor the love, hard work, frustration and exhaustion within you,

because it is also within me.

In sharing these things, we are one, we belong to each other, and

I hope you survive the day. ” – by Channa B.

Namaste, Sisters!! xo

7Jan2014

IAmSickToday

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Maybe I am sick today so that I can slow down and sit still.

I am sitting in my bed, with my legs crossed and I am almost still except I’m still writing.

I have a restless soul and this is something I would like to master. Just being still.

Do you meditate? If so, how often and for how long?

I laid down to take a two hour nap today before picking up the kids from school, and think I slept for maybe 20 minutes. Even though I was sick, my mind was still restless.

We all have things we are trying to improve to make our life the best it can possibly be. I know, this is a high-class problem.

As I sit here with a stuffy, tired head and runny nose I just discovered something new already. I didn’t think I had the energy to write and I accidentally pressed the wrong button on my iPad, which lead to my new discovery: the talking and writing speaker function. How cool is that?

By sitting still, I found something new. Not something zen, but hey, it’s a start to slowing down.

I am speaking to my iPad and it is typing for me with a little wave line showing me that it is sensing my voice. Whoa. Jeff was talking about how he uses voice technology to type his text and emails now just this weekend. I guess I was subconsciously listening to him. And now that I took the time to sit still, I discovered (new) technology! I wish I would have learned this last year. But hey, there’s always time for learning.

So you know when I say my life is perfectly imperfect? This is one of those examples of not having a perfect day, but being okay with it. If you were in my house, or reading my texts or listening to me on the phone, you would really know how perfectly imperfect I really am. But I’m okay with that. I don’t expect perfection from myself or from my family or from anyone. We are all flawed, and what I expect is to flow with whatever comes my way, and to seek love everywhere, in every situation. No matter what.

I choose to share the highlights and lessons learned, every day with you. I choose to focus on the positive because negative stuff happens all the time. That’s drama. That’s what the media keeps showing us. That’s not what real life has to be all about. That’s not happiness. Ok, enough of the nots. I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.

I choose to share beauty and joy, positive experiences and peace on my blog and on my Facebook status updates. I choose to share the highlights and the best parts of my day, because that is what is good. That’s where I want to play and share and connect. Maybe boring, but it’s ok with me. 🙂

I believe there is good in every experience and that’s what I seek and look for every darn day. Do you do this too? If not, try it. Let go of anger and frustration. You’ll be amazed by how much better you feel and how much control you have over your own well being.

Namaste and good night.

10Dec2013

Control

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I want to explore this topic as I have a ton of ideas floating in my head about control, but since I’m tired I don’t know if I’ll get them all out tonight.

But I’ll start with this. Do you have any relationships you wish to control? I mean no one really wants to control someone else, because that would be bad. But do you have some relationships where you have expectations about how you want things to go, but they don’t go as planned because the other person has different expectations? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

I have a couple like this. I have these dreams and a very active imagination and I build up these fantasies in my head that don’t go as I have scripted. Because there are other smart and grown up people involved with their own set of images and dreams and needs and wants. And sometimes we’re in alignment and sometimes we’re in conflict.

So for some reason, sometimes I want to be in charge. I want things to go my way. But they don’t. And I don’t have control and I don’t like that feeling. But I’m working on that every day. To let go and to let things just flow. To let others have their way and to not expect them to do what I had envisioned. So simple, right? But that letting go part is so hard. And so what? The best thing to do is to listen, be understanding, share, adapt, and flow.

I’ll give you a silly example. Juliana was sitting in the back seat of the car, and I opened the door to have her move up to the front. But she closed the door as I was talking to my friend, and didn’t move. So I clicked the automatic door button again and told her she could move up front, but again she closed the door and I was confused. I thought for sure she would want to move up front. But she didn’t want to and had her reasons, which made sense. I felt like I knew better and wanted to control the situation and felt agitated. But why? Because I had envisioned her moving and it didn’t make sense to me why she wouldn’t move the way I imagined. I felt conflict, on a very small scale, but this is what I’m talking about. And this same story plays over again and again. Things don’t go the way I plan. Duh. I want to be less rigid and let go of my feeling of need to control situations, and just flow and trust my loved ones. Usually the outcome is better anyway and everyone is happier.

Having big kids or being in a partnership, people that we love are going to disappoint us, but not intentionally, especially because they love us and typically have good intentions. They just have their own agenda and free will and usually aren’t thinking the way we do. The sooner we let go and flow and move our ego out of the way, the happier we all will be. Am I right?

Here’s my joy face from tonight Good things come when you let go. :-). Namaste.

9Jun2013

Day 319: The Joys of Presence

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Here I Am. Am-ing. Just being, and enjoying the journey that unfolds. I love to be in the moment, but am not always comfortable not having a plan. But I am loving the process of flowing with whatever comes my way and am always so pleasantly surprised with how life twists and turns.

I have a friend here that is full of life. She is always smiling, loves her life, her kids and her husband. She is athletic and enjoys entertaining. She makes time for herself, her kids and her husband. And her eyes sparkle. I love being around her and love that she knows what it’s like to be an expat, because she was once one too. And I think because of her experience, she understands me and has reached out to me, making me feel at home here, inviting me to join her for coffee, lunch, dinner, paddling, swimming, ice skating, and today a Sunday morning tennis match. I am so thankful for our friendship and admire her and learn from her and enjoy her company. I am going to miss you, Barbara. Thank you for being my friend and kicking my ass today at tennis! Rematch?

…..

After coming home from tennis and sharing a cup of tea, Jeff and I went on a spontaneous date to the Trompen museum in Amsterdam. We took the tram into the city and walked through Oosterpark to the museum, holding hands. The architecture itself was gorgeous, and the artifacts from the Dutch colonies were very interesting. Afterwards, we stopped in a Biergarten for some biterballen and cold beer from the tap. We are enjoying having kids who are of the age that they can stay home alone. We were only gone for 3 hours and it was perfect! Here are some photos from the museum and around town.

Oosterpark

The Royal Tropical institute is very fascinating, highlighting the tropical areas of the world, focusing on the former colonies of the Netherlands such as Indonesia, Surinam, India, and others. I especially enjoyed seeing the different religious and philosophical influences and seeing the different artifacts. I think I would enjoy studying how they interrelate and making connections between the different beliefs. One love, one world. Namaste.