New Year – What Brings You Joy?

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I was listening to NPR this morning and caught just the last little clip of a story about a woman from Japan who offered a unique way of thinking about decluttering. Decluttering is a daily conversation, thought, action and problem in my house. We have too much stuff, and decluttering isn’t necessarily helping. I have to purge. Most of us do, and the New Year usually sparks up dreams of tidying festivals.

Instead of thinking of getting rid of stuff, which brings it’s own emotional baggage, Marie Kondo recommends shifting our thinking to what brings us joy and what do we want to keep. I like that concept. If it brings joy, keep it. If it doesn’t, let it go. It’s that simple and I love it. Less thinking and more doing.

Another recommendation is to gather all like things and go through them one by one, instead of going room by room.

We talk about wanting to live in the present, and sometimes all our stuff and our memories holds us back and we live in the past instead of cherishing who we are right now. I love this and I think it’s why I struggle with my photo backup problem. I cherish the past and all the mementos, but it takes time in the present to sort, categorize, backup, print, etc. the old photos. Her suggestion to managing our photo crisis is to only keep 5 photos per day from any event. Typically these five can capture the essence of the memory and bring back the recollection of joy we had in those moments. This is BRILLIANT advice. I shall try this little nugget too.

If you’re interested in learning more, her book is called, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up here.

The link to the NPR Here and Now discussion from today is here: http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2014/12/09/tidying-up-kondo-westmoreland

I think I will start with my clothes first and have a clothes party, holding each piece and deciding if it makes me smile or if it needs to go. I can do this. Where will you begin? I can’t wait to create new space. I know there are clothes that have been sitting around gathering dust and I can’t wait to say adios!!

18Sep2014

Baby Steps and Letting Go

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I’m listening Wise Ones. I’m enjoying the moments and practicing being present even when I’m so done paying attention to the ever demanding little one, knowing that I don’t have them forever. I’ve enjoyed endless snuggles this week. So thank you for sharing your sage advice.

Facebook and email and laundry can wait.

My baby is now riding his bike to school. I stand outside and watch him go, praying that he’ll be safe without me guiding and protecting him. I hope I’ve taught this proud one well.

I'm not ready but he is and I support him and wave goodbye every morning and give him a big kiss.

Baby steps. Letting the leash out a little more and transferring responsibility. Letting go. Aaawwwwweee!

How have you experienced letting go? I wish you well.

6Jul2014

Changing Times

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This is the play set in our backyard. We’re getting ready to retire it and share it with a new family.

Jeff and Steve built it several years ago and it has provided much entertainment for our kids and for friends and family who visit. Our kids are growing up and don’t really play on it anymore, so it’s time to say goodbye even though I feel attached to the memories. Once in awhile they will sit on the swings or sway across the monkey bars. We’re ready to let it go and to make space for something new.

Making space. That seems to be another theme of mine this year, along with letting go. How can we let go of the past to create space for the new? Letting go is sometimes challenging because of all the memories encapsulated in the stuff. But letting go allows us to experience something new and I’m all for that. Even though I feel a bit sad as we get ready to let go.

I’m excited to be giving the play set to one of my PEO Sisters who has two young daughters under the age of three. I love giving things away, knowing they are going to good homes and knowing that another family might be able to enjoy what was once ours. It is silly to feel a connection to stuff, but I am connected to the memories of youth and little kids and the am proud that Jeff and Steve built this for our kids. Gving it away makes me fully aware that my kids aren’t little anymore. *big sigh* I am happy that other little ones will get to enjoy it though and create their own fun memories.

Life is good. Namaste.

Times are changing… here we go! I wonder how we’ll fill the space. Got any ideas?

29Jun2014

Life’s Moments

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Do you ever feel like sometimes life stands still and you actually get to stand back and take a snapshot and really see a moment?

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Every so often, I feel like time stands still and I have clarity and can really see and be present in that exact moment.

Today I had one of those.

Christian returned from his Caravan journey and it was such a touching and meaningful moment, that I almost missed. I was scheduled to play a finals USTA tennis match tonight at the exact same time of his arrival. Before he left, I had asked him if he minded me missing his homecoming because of this big game, and of course he said no. He knows how much I love playing tennis and that our team has been doing very well. As the week went by, I was feeling worse and worse about my selfish decision to play, even though I knew my team needed me. I was so torn. Then on Thursday, I ran into an angel at Charlie’s sports camp, who asked me if I was going to be there for his arrival and I told her my story. She said I really wouldn’t want to miss this moving experience and from that moment, I knew I couldn’t play. Luckily, the night before last, I got an email with our team lineup and there was a backup player available to cover anyone who might have an issue.

I had an issue. I had mom guilt. I couldn’t play anymore. I knew I had to be there for his arrival and couldn’t be two places at once. I wanted to be there to greet Christian and to see his face and to hear his story about his journey, first hand. Luckily, I was given a pass.

I have been anticipating his arrival all week. Today I spent a couple hours deep cleaning his room, kind of like in preparation for his arrival, as if I was having a guest come over. I think I was nesting, just like what you do before you have a baby and you want everything to be just right for the baby’s arrival. Just this time, it was my big baby’s arrival back at home again.

I wanted to do something nice for him, so I decluttered, dusted and created a clean space for him. Juliana made a welcome home sign and hung it on our garage door that said, “Welcome Home, Christian.” We were anticipating his arrival and were so excited.

We were at church, when the Caravan crew arrived. They opened the doors and the kids and all the advisors came in and walked past us seated on the benches, to the front of the church to their reserved seats, while we sang and clapped and I cried. I kept crying because I am overly emotional and feel so deeply.

I cried for several reasons.

I cried because I was happy to see his face again.

I cried because I was so proud of him.

I cried because I couldn’t hug him right away and wanted to touch him.

I cried because I know he grew up this week and had a life changing experience without me, which is great and wonderful and perfect, but I still felt like I missed out. I am attached and am in the process of detaching as moms should do. I just didn’t know that this was happening right now. But now I do, and I’m ok with that. Just weepy. 😉

I cried because I was fully aware that he is growing up and becoming more independent, doing exactly what he is supposed to do. And that means that my role is changing. I felt the transition tonight. And I cried for that too. Moms of grown kids – I know you get this. I’m just beginning. I get it. I am feeling it and it’s really ok.

I am so thankful that I ran into Colleen and she guided me to be there for the homecoming tonight. Thank you, Colleen.

I am so thankful that we belong to such a great church community, filled with love and teaching my kids to be loving and giving and providing this wonderful service opportunity for them, that is also helping them to grow up with grace.

I am thankful that Christian is home again and that he had such a remarkable experience. I loved hearing his stories about the people he met, the work he did, and the friends that he made.

And my tennis team, they won tonight!! I stopped by at the end of the match and was able to witness our final win in a tie break, with the lady who took my place and my partner. They all understood me and get it – they are moms too. And we’re all in this thing together. Thank you Gloria and Reid – for being great captains and for supporting my last minute change of mind. You are the best!!

Life is good!

4May2014

Face Time

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Did you get to look in the eyes of someone you love today?

I just watched a video telling us to look up and to get off our phones and screens and to be present and connected with those near us. It was quite powerful and made me think. I am definitely addicted to technology and love reading Facebook updates and seeing Instagram posts, checking in with my “real” world. But I also love putting down the screens and being outside and playing and laughing and teasing and talking in my real, real world with my loved ones.

Today my 9 year old asked me if I wished he was still a baby. I told him that I loved him being a 9 year old and loved seeing all the things he could do by himself and how much I liked watching him play sports and reading his writing and loving him being 9. I told him I missed the times when he was little too, but that I loved where he was now. He said he missed being a baby or little because then we were together more and had more time together and that I paid attention to him all the time. We had just came home from being on a late night family date to the ice cream creamery in Santa Clara. It surprised me that he was desiring more attention, as we just had shared quality time together. But he made me think.

I stopped what I was doing and moved from my seat at the table to sit next to him on the bench where I could hug him. I held him tightly and told him the story about how mamas have to let out the leash slowly. I told him how we used to be this close and we were attached by an umbilical cord. And then he got bigger and was with me all the time until he started to crawl, yet I would follow him. Then he learned to walk and I would follow him wherever he went. I always wanted to keep him safe and to know where he was. I told him as he grew, so did his independence and he would venture off a bit further away from me, but I still knew where he was and was always paying attention to him. He learned to play outside with me watching and would walk three houses away and come back. As he grew, he asked to walk to his friends house around the corner, and I’d wait and watch until he came back, but I let him go. I reminded him how he asked to go around the block, and I anxiously allowed him out of my sight and waited for him to return and how that was a big step in our life journey for both of us. He keeps gaining independence and I keep letting go, or letting out a bit longer leash.

Today he went to the park with his big brother and I told him how I let him go and trusted him and that I worried about him when he wasn’t close to me, but that I knew he would come back and I was always thinking of him, even when he wasn’t with me. He smiled. I think he felt better knowing that even though we weren’t together, he was still connected to me and that I actually was paying attention to him.

I told him how his older sister and brother went away to sleepover camps and how I let them go and worried about their needs when I wasn’t there to take care of them, but knew they were ok and was so happy when they came back. I told him he would continue to go away and come back and that I’d always love him and wait for him and be thinking of him forever.

He told me he would always love me, even when he was mad at me. I told him I would love him no matter what and that he’d always be my baby and that I would always kiss and hug him no matter what. He hugged me and smiled and I think he felt content again, being a big 9 Year old.

So this wasn’t the story I was planning to share today, but it came up right before bed. I was going to share the importance of spending real, face time with people you care about and share some pictures from my date with my honey. We had a busy weekend filled with family and baseball and events, but we snuck away for a couple hours to check out a new place we hadn’t been before. We packed a picnic lunch and we sat outside at a local winery, enjoying each other’s “face time,” a glass of wine and beautiful views. Life is good. Have a great week, my friends, filled with love and face time!! xo

10Dec2013

Control

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I want to explore this topic as I have a ton of ideas floating in my head about control, but since I’m tired I don’t know if I’ll get them all out tonight.

But I’ll start with this. Do you have any relationships you wish to control? I mean no one really wants to control someone else, because that would be bad. But do you have some relationships where you have expectations about how you want things to go, but they don’t go as planned because the other person has different expectations? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

I have a couple like this. I have these dreams and a very active imagination and I build up these fantasies in my head that don’t go as I have scripted. Because there are other smart and grown up people involved with their own set of images and dreams and needs and wants. And sometimes we’re in alignment and sometimes we’re in conflict.

So for some reason, sometimes I want to be in charge. I want things to go my way. But they don’t. And I don’t have control and I don’t like that feeling. But I’m working on that every day. To let go and to let things just flow. To let others have their way and to not expect them to do what I had envisioned. So simple, right? But that letting go part is so hard. And so what? The best thing to do is to listen, be understanding, share, adapt, and flow.

I’ll give you a silly example. Juliana was sitting in the back seat of the car, and I opened the door to have her move up to the front. But she closed the door as I was talking to my friend, and didn’t move. So I clicked the automatic door button again and told her she could move up front, but again she closed the door and I was confused. I thought for sure she would want to move up front. But she didn’t want to and had her reasons, which made sense. I felt like I knew better and wanted to control the situation and felt agitated. But why? Because I had envisioned her moving and it didn’t make sense to me why she wouldn’t move the way I imagined. I felt conflict, on a very small scale, but this is what I’m talking about. And this same story plays over again and again. Things don’t go the way I plan. Duh. I want to be less rigid and let go of my feeling of need to control situations, and just flow and trust my loved ones. Usually the outcome is better anyway and everyone is happier.

Having big kids or being in a partnership, people that we love are going to disappoint us, but not intentionally, especially because they love us and typically have good intentions. They just have their own agenda and free will and usually aren’t thinking the way we do. The sooner we let go and flow and move our ego out of the way, the happier we all will be. Am I right?

Here’s my joy face from tonight Good things come when you let go. :-). Namaste.

17Oct2013

Letting Go…Growing Up

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It felt like dropping my baby off at kindergarten tonight. Juliana’s on her way to Catalina with 85 friends from junior high school.

The kids are all giddy and the parents are standing by anxiously watching and feeling all the mixed feelings of excitement and joy and fear of letting go and letting them grow up.

They are on their way and we are left behind to watch and admire and wait for their return from their journey and share their stories.

Juliana has the best science teacher who is motivated and excited to share her passion with young ones and is
escorting them, along with several chaperones over night and through the weekend. They’ll drive all night on two busses, arriving in Long Beach bright and early to take a ferry over to Catalina island for some science exploration.

I know she will have fun. She has travelled without us before and loves her independence and time with her friends. She packed herself and is so happy to be going on this adventure. Watching her confidence makes it a bit easier to let go because I know she’s safe and has no fear, but it’s still challenging for me to let go, even though I want to and am. No drama…no fear…letting it go. Letting her go.

You go girl! You’re growing up and I am proud of you. Live it up, sister. xo

3Jul2013

Day 343: The Space Between

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I’m in that space – that in between place, living in the moment and preparing for the next chapter amidst the chaos and joy, filled with anxiety and peace. I think they call this transition. Christine described it as liminality in her blog today as she prepares to move her family and transition to a new community in another state. I totally understand what she’s experiencing. You can read about her transition here: Christine’s blog

My toe nail polish is chipped, my hair is wild and curly, the laundry machine keeps whirling, and the sorting and organizing and tossing has begun and I haven’t worked out in weeks. The kids are loud and a bit crazy, I might add. And I think they actually liked seeing me come a bit undone. I can laugh now, but could you see my head spinning?

One of my mottos is to work hard, first, then play. And today I did just that. I organized and shopped and packed and cleaned all day, knowing that I had something fun to look forward to later.

Barbara invited me to join her for dinner and a boat ride. I can’t even tell you the peace that came over me, being out on the water one more time, and spending time with my dear friend. This was the best anti-anxiety medicine ever! Thank you, Barbara!! You made my day.

Our routines are shaking, our community is changing, and in 5 days I’ll be on another plane heading back home. I’m excited for what’s to come and a little anxious too. I’m sad to be leaving a part of my soul behind with the friends and community that have loved me and my family in this short year. And I’m ready for what comes next, whatever that may be…to hug my family and friends, to resettle in our cozy, little home, and to enjoy all that California has to offer.

Namaste.

12Jun2013

Day 322: I Declare

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Did you know that when you leave the Netherlands that you have to go to the town hall and declare your intent to depart the country? Luckily Jeff knew this and that our awesome Relocation Consultant knew this too. Today we visited the Gemeente Amstelveen with our passports and filled out our Declaration of Departure Relocation Abroad Form (in case you want to know what to request when you ever have to leave your new country).

It didn’t take long, but we both had to be present to sign our intent on the form and choose the date we plan to no longer be residents. They printed out temporary official forms and put them in a plastic sleeve for us to carry until our official departure date arrives and they can officially deregister our family. I think we get to keep our Dutch Residence Cards as souvenirs.

I declare that it feels weird to sign out – kind of like we’re getting a receipt or a diploma for our experience here. Weird.

Afterwards, we walked over to the old part of downtown and had lunch at one of the restaurants we first visited when we arrived in Amstelveen – a delicious little Korean restaurant. Jeff and I both love ethnic food and this place reminds us of a place near our home in Sunnyvale, where there is a large Korean population right down the street. Lunch was excellent! It’s called Damso if you want to try it for yourself. I couldn’t find a website for them, but here’s more information: http://www.iens.nl/restaurant/23922/amstelveen-damso

By the way, we also had a cleaning service company come visit the house who specializes in preparing houses for new tenants so that you don’t lose any of your rental deposit. The lady who came by today was very thorough and seems like she really knows her business and the expat community. I’ll let you know what the estimate is and if we like her, if this information would be valuable to you. I didn’t think about having to clean the drapes and to dust out the attic. Sounds pretty thorough to me.

On a more fun note and another sign that the year is wrapping up, I met with a team today to discuss Grade 8 celebrations. I’m the parent rep for Christian’s grade and am helping with planning the details for his “graduation” ceremony. I can’t believe he starts high school in the fall. And knowing that Katie graduated from high school this year, and feeling like it was just yesterday that I watched her walk to kindergarten for the first day of school, I know these next four years are going to speed by so quickly. I want to slow time down and savor every moment. I declare that I’m happy that we’re moving back home when we are so that Christian can start high school with his friends in our local neighborhood. This makes me content and feels right, and helps me to accept and appreciate this transition and it’s timing. Ahhh… that feels better! I just had to talk it out. 😉

Natural beauty inviting us into Vondel Park

I have one last celebration to share before wrapping things up for the day. Tonight we were invited to a very special 2 year old’s birthday party in Vondel Park. The kids and I took the bus into the city and walked to the park to meet up with Jen and Todd and friends. It was nice to be together outside and I loved watching how happy Miss J was, eating her ice cream cake, running with her friends, opening presents and flirting with the fitness group in the park. When I asked her for a hug goodbye, she came running and gave me a big hug, saying “I love you” back to me. I am going to miss her little face and her playful personality, and her mama too!

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Jen! You look so happy.

Happy girl – a bit blurry having to crop out the leg that walked in front of this cute face!

Miss J joining the fitness fun bootcamp in the park.

Charlie playing in the park with his friend G.

I declare it was a good day, a fulfilling day, and I am content listening to the rain, even though it’s June 12th!

What do you declare?

Namaste.

11Jun2013

Day 321: Swirled – Sad and Happy and Thankful

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Goodbye, Miss Minivan! You’ve been all over the world and we’re leaving you behind in Amsterdam.

Continuing on with the process of moving back to the States, today Jeff and I went to the Honda Dealer to dispose of our 2003 Honda Odyssey Minivan. Now I never really wanted a minivan, and don’t think they’re very sexy, but I just pretended it wasn’t one and enjoyed all of it’s efficiency, practicality and ability to move many people and children all over the world. It has 125,00 miles on it and on our last trip to Normandy, the transmission light came on and that was the end of the light for her. To repair the transmission would have cost 6300 Euros, which is $8365 USD. The van isn’t worth that much, but we were hoping it would last for our duration in the Netherlands. Sadly, it didn’t and we couldn’t get a rebuilt transmission because this model of vehicle is not made in Holland. We can’t sell the vehicle as is, because of tax reasons and it not having been here for a year yet. So we were stuck with a sour lemon.

For some reason this made me very sad. I didn’t want to let go of it, but I had to. I didn’t want to give it away for nothing, but I had to. I didn’t want to leave it behind in Holland this way, but I had to. I have to let go. I have to not be so attached. I have to not care. But I do. And I did. And I cried. But I think it was just symbolic of having to let go and leave and say goodbye, and I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to. But I have to. And it’s ok. And I have so much to look forward to. But I’m sad to let go. And so I cried. Not an ugly cry, but a sad cry, as part of the process of accepting the change. And Jeff probably thought I was crazy. But you and I know, I wasn’t really crying about the car – it was just a good excuse to cry about leaving and hurting a bit, and letting go.

We took off my roof racks, and emptied the CDs and jackets and wrappers and contents from the glove box. I took down the rearview mirror attachment I used to have eyes in back of my head, looking at my kids while we drove to Thousand Oaks, the Grand Canyon, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Canada, Luxembourg, Belgium, Lichtenstein, Germany, and France just to name a few places.

And then I said goodbye to my car and the memories it helped me to make, and another tear fell. And I kept saying how stupid I was for crying over a stupid car and that it was really not that big of a deal, and that everything was ok. And then I took a deep breathe and let go. Aaahhhhh…..

………………..

I was an hour late to my physio apointment that I thought was at 11, but really was at 10. I’m a bit absent minded these days. I said goodbye to my therapist, since I don’t have time left to visit any more. I didn’t feel too sad about this, but more of a relief. One less thing to do, one less item to check off my list. Let’s just hope my headaches stay away.

I stopped by the Kringloop (Salvation Army) store to figure out how to donate any furniture and household goods we won’t need any more once we’re ready to move next month. Between my limited Dutch and the worker’s limited English, it probably took 20 minutes to set up two appointments. They first want to come to the house to see what we have to donate, and then they schedule another visit to do the pickup. All is set now, I just have to finish deciding what to take and what to leave.

While I was working on this task, I got a text from Jen inviting me to go for a walk or run with her. I was so glad to hear from her, and since I’d accomplished two BIG tasks, I was happy to take a break. I just wanted to enjoy her company and hear about and see her pictures from her BIG trip to Uganda (and selfishly not think about me leaving.) I invited her over for lunch, if she’d bring her computer with her!! She luckily agreed. 😉 She recently went to Uganda to support one of her best friends, who is helping to build a school and to raise money through sponsorships of the children. She went primarily to take pictures of the children so that people who sponsor them can see the light in their eyes. I am so proud of and inspired by her for making and taking the time to go to support her friend and those in need. You can learn more about Parental Care Ministries Work in Uganda here: http://www.parentalcareministries.org/wordpress/ Our lunch date was exactly what I needed – quality time with a good friend! I was content again. Thanks Jen for our “run”. It was a perfect afternoon.

Spontaneous lunch outside with Jen – this is my favorite salad made with beets, balsamic vinegar, toasted pine nuts, arugula, and goat cheese. It was a gorgeous day out!

So remember yesterday I mentioned how I am practicing and learning to let go and to let go of anxiety and to just flow with what comes my way and how uncomfortable this is for me? Phew, that was a long sentence! Well today I was on one of those anxiety highes and as I breathed and let go, that’s when Jen texted me and then lunch and sharing photos and a bike ride and shopping unfolded from not having a “real” plan. How could I have planned something that great when I was so sad earlier this morning? I don’t know how it works, but it does for me and I hope it will for you too. It’s letting go of fear and control and then accepting what comes your way and adapting every step. Good things happen that way.

And to add to the list of good things happening today, Patti Beth called me to say she had a gift for me. She’s leaving town in 3 more days, so it’ll be another sad day of goodbyes, that I’m trying not to dwell on, but I’m definitely feeling. The gift she gave me was so touching and meaningful and I’m so thankful for it. She painted a wooden clog for me and the letter she wrote on the bottom of it was even greater and really touched my heart. Now can you see why it’s so hard to leave here? I’ve made really good friends and have new girlfriends for life. Thank you Patti Beth for your thoughtful gift. I am going to miss you.

One of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever been given.

I felt so drained today from moving between the extremes of being really sad to really happy. After picking up 2 out of 3 of kids from school and socializing with the other mamas, I decided to relax and surprise my little Dutchies and stopped near our house for some of their favorite, unhealthy, Dutch treats – bitterballen and Kaassoufflé – deep fried cheese. We all loved sitting outside and enjoying our deep-fried snacks that we can only get here (I think!) Enjoying the moments…

Charlie with his bitterballen

So there you have it… a busy day in the life of a mom, trying to wrap up the end of the school year while saying goodbye to good friends and planning the details of our move back to the States. Life is good… even when it’s sad and bumpy.

Namaste