They’re Growing Up!!

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It’s easier to talk about the cats growing up than admitting that my kids are growing up.

I’m having an emotional week or two observing my life changing in front of me and I know it’s all normal and great and I’m still struggling.

My baby went to middle school orientation today. My baby girl went to Freshman orientation and my 1st baby started driving!! They’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to do and I’m freaking out. I want to step on the brakes and slow down and we’re going full speed ahead.

I always dreamed of being a mama and yet I never fully imagined them growing up and doing their own thing, even though my goal in raising them was to raise independent, kind and compassionate thinkers. They’re on their way and I’m feeling a little lost. I’ll find my way again, I’m just in that transitioning phase, redefining my role and I don’t like it very much. I’m proud and happy for them and figuring out what the next phase looks like for all of us.

We’re all growing up and figuring it out as we go, bumps and tears, frustrations and laughs and opinions and all.

Are you in a transition phase? How do you create peace as you go through the change? Wishing you happiness.

xoxo

3Aug2015

Things Aren’t Always the Way They Seem

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Be careful how much you read into other people’s photos or stories or headlines. Things aren’t always the way they seem and I think we need to remember this as we journey together through social media and the news.

I am a true idealist. I have big dreams, always. I create playlists in my head about how I think things should be.

Today I took the kids to Raging Waters because this was the wish of the little one. He wanted his siblings to spend the day with him and play and this was his dream, since he had a season pass. We made it happen and here is proof:

As I was taking this picture after we ate lunch, I was thinking of the morning and how the big ones protested. They didn’t want to go to a water park today. I know, crazy thought, but true. Who has to beg to bring kids to a water park to hang out and enjoy outdoor adventures together? This is ridiculous, I know. But this was my truth and you’d never know from this picture of my happily ever after moment. We are perfectly imperfect, remember?

I think this picture symbolizes probably a lot of other moments we see on our screens. Everything looks happy yet there were arguments and frustrations before the snapshot. LB and I used to call these our Norman Rockwell moments where we had to take 50 shots to capture the one moment where we all looked happy at the same time so that we could remember what we envisioned in our heads. This makes me laugh and I hope you can share this connection and say, “Yeah!! That’s so true and real and funny!”

We actually were enjoying THIS moment. It was just the journey getting here that was frustrating, but of course that wouldn’t make for a happy story.

I did actually learn some things today about raising teenagers. I learned I need to make quicker decisions. I learned that even when they aren’t interested, they sometimes are. And I learned to practice patience. They all came around and we had a great day together, living in the sunshine.

Life is good.

26Jul2015

Happy Together

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My teenagers came home tonight from their service trip, after being gone for a week, and I could not be happier.

I cried when I saw their faces again and I know it’s only been a week, but it’s symbolic of what’s to come in the next couple of years, I know.

They are growing up and are independent, needing me in different ways. I love these compassionate and thoughtful humans and am so happy to have them back with us again. I loved coming home together, sitting around the table, eating ice cream and hearing their stories about their journey and experiences.

I am thankful they had such a great time and are safely home again.

nAMaste

9Apr2015

Lost

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So we took our baby girl to the airport today and did the whole group photos, lots of kisses and hugs and sharing thoughts and don’t forgets and call me or text and all that good stuff.

We wished her well and stood anxiously waiting behind the black wall, watching her go through security until we couldn’t see her anymore. And then we left. No tears, actually! I was proud of myself. Maybe I worked through the anxiety yesterday and was ready and prepared today. Maybe.

I am happy for her.

I am proud of her.

I am okay.

What made me sad and anxious was realizing that I’ve done my job and that she’s flying away. Not literally, as in flying to Japan, but she’s flying the nest. She’s got the hang of this life thing and she’s confident, strong, independent, courageous and curious and kind. She’s everything I’ve always wanted her to be. And she’s still young. I wasn’t expecting this to all come together like this, right here, right now. And so it is.

I came home from the airport and just sat still. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing I wanted to do and everything I could do and yet I did nothing. I ate some leftovers, not because I was really hungry, but because food is my anti-anxiety drug of choice. I looked at Facebook and created a FrameMagic collage and posted an update from the moments just passed. I practiced using SnapChat and chatted with Juliana while she waited another 2 hours before her plane departed.

I sat and waited with her yet in my living room. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was waiting with her. She asked if I was going to sit still for 11 hours too, the same time she would be sitting for the duration of her flight. I told her no way, that wasn’t possible and she laughed. She also told me she was only going to be gone for 240 hours and asked if I was going to sit and wait for her too, and I said absolutely not. 240 hours sounds a lot shorter than 10 days. She made me laugh.

Kristin invited me over for a visit and I was thankful that she got me out of the house. I needed to do something and I enjoyed her company and conversation. I continued texting Juliana until her flight took off. It was fun to stay connected and I’m anxiously awaiting her next text around midnight tonight, letting me know she landed. All is well.

I called my mom this afternoon, and the first thing she said to me was, “So, do you feel lost?” And I said, “Yes!! That’s exactly how I feel. How did you know? I didn’t even know that was what I was feeling, but yes. I feel lost.” She said that’s how she felt when I left to go to Australia when I was 12 years old!! I so get her. She is one brilliant woman. I am so glad she was brave enough to let me go. She shaped my spirit for adventure and wanderlust and I have now shared this with my kids.

I’m okay feeling a little lost.

This is real and it’s normal and she’s fine and I’m fine. I am vulnerable and just a little lost – like I don’t know what to do with her not here and not having to pick her up or make her lunch or make her gluten-free dinners or take her here nor there. She’s okay and I’m okay – it’s just different and we’re growing up. Both of us.

Laurie called today to check on me and several friends and family texted to see how I was feeling and to wish Juliana well. I am grateful, especially to Laurie who could see me and my anxiety and reached out, despite her own feelings of loss. How did she do that? I am in awe of her, always. She’s one strong woman who I admire so much.

The sisterhood of motherhood is strong in my village.

I don’t feel so lost anymore. I can’t wait to hear all the stories about adventures in Japan! Have fun, baby girl and live it up!!

Carry on, BeLoveRs!!

nAMaste sisters!

27Jan2015

Motherhood Perks

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My stiff neck and I got to chaperone a field trip today with my last elementary school aged kid. I am fully aware that this is it. “I am” graduating soon to Junior High and High School. I’m an older mom now with older kids. I get it. My neck and I feel it and my wrinkles show it. Yep. And I am going to enjoy every minute that he chooses to share with me, as he becomes more and more independent.

He was so excited for today to come so that we could walk together to the theater and sit next to each other. When the older kids were saying goodbye at 7:15 am, he said he was lucky because he didn’t have to say goodbye to me until 11:30 am today. I love the way he thinks.

I loved that the class president still wants his mama with him. Motherhood perk.

I loved watching him with his friends. I loved his smile. I loved putting my arm near his leg while we watched the performance, because I can’t hold his hand when his friends are around. I loved being in his world, seeing his friends and teachers and sharing his space.

Life is good. I love the perks!

13Jan2015

Resilience and Permission to Fail

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You’re ok.

Perfection is overrated.

You’re good enough.

I was just wondering if we are teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes? Are we giving our kids permission to fail and heaven forbid, not be the best?

There seems to be so much pressure on our society to be the best, to be the skinniest and the fittest, and the smartest and the fastest and the prettiest and the first and the whatever. What’s the race all about anyway? What about happiness and joy and just being ok with who we are right now, looking silly and maybe even sloppy? Is that even allowed any more?

I think we have to model for our kids how to not be perfect and I’m not trying to make excuses. I just want them to know that we’re ok too and I want us to be ok with being enough. We do our best and our best has to be good enough.

This is what I want to teach my kids. If they make a mistake, so what? Acknowledge what went right. Acknowledge what didn’t work and fix it for next time. And then try again. It doesn’t have to be so complicated. Keep learning and practicing this life thing and don’t be so hard on yourself. Repetition is good. And making mistakes means you’re trying and growing and learning. It’s ok. That’s what I want them to know. You have my permission to fail. Just learn from your mistakes so that life can carry on as smoothly as possible for yourself and everyone else around you, because our lives are really interconnected as much as we think we are on our own.

I want them to be ok right where they are, every day. I want them to make mistakes and I want them to figure out what’s important to them and to make the most of all their experiences and relationships – the good and bad and ugly. I think this is the path to happiness. Accepting what is. Adapting and moving forward and liking themselves right now.

Carry on, resilient BeLoveRs. You’ve got this.

18Nov2014

Giving Thanks

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I just got the Thanksgiving box down on Monday. In the box, I found some of our Thanksgiving thankfulness projects. We haven’t done something every year, but I do have a few mementos. In 2003, we made foam trees. I must have been inspired by a preschool project.

In 2004, we were thankful that Charlie survived and didn’t take the time to create another project.

In 2005, we made placemats with each of our homemade trees of thanks. They are sitting around our table now and we are all getting a kick out of what we were thankful for back then.

In 2006, we made bookmarks. I have these hanging on a mirror in another hallway.

We must have been really busy living and were not that creative in the past 8 years!! This year we are settling again and are ready for another thankfulness project.

We looked on Pinterest, and both Juliana and I gravitated independently toward the same 3D tree idea. This morning the aha light went on, and after yoga I went to the craft store to get supplies and came home and began building our Thankful Tree to surprise the kids before they came home.

Later while I was out running errands, Charlie decided to adopt the tree and made it his own. He decided our tree needed birds, and proceeded to find the ones he liked, printed them, cut them out and attached them to our tree before asking what anyone thought of his idea. I loved his creativity and independence, even though this idea was NOT on pinterest and was NOT mine! Juliana was clearly bothered by his creative freedom and wanted them removed. Even though I preferred our simple tree idea, I loved his personal touch and ownership of our family project and I didn’t want to take away from his creativity. The birds stayed.

We are creating our leaves of thanks and adding them as we think of ideas. I can’t wait to see how our tree grows.

We have so much to be thankful for. I hope the tree is overflowing in abundance and I wish you happiness, good health and peace.

What are you thankful for this year?

xo Happy Thanksgiving next week! xo

12Nov2014

They All Grow Up

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Please slow down time. I’m loving this life right now.

One of the coolest things about having three kids, is that as I watch the oldest move through his high school years, the youngest one reminds me that the oldest was once his age and I can see time passing. It makes me be more mindful of the moments.

Tonight we stopped at the park between appointments because we had 30 minutes to spare. We went to Las Palmas park, which was closed for remodeling for sometime. When Juliana and Christian were little, I used to spend almost every week there watching them play with their friends and spending time with other mamas.

Coming back tonight, I admired the young mamas with their babies and reflected on that stage being over for me. I’m ok with that and happy to be where I am now, but every so often I remember what used to be as I look back with fond memories.

But tonight I was there to make new memories with Charlie. I LOVED watching him run around and exploring the new digs. He climbed to the top of the climbing wall, over and back, over and back, three times, without touching the ground, making sure I was watching. He climbed to the top of the highest slide and ran all around figuring out the new environment.

And I sat and watched him and loved him and got up to tease him and tickle him and was so very happy that we thought to spontaneously stop at the park to play.

This moment made my day. And tonight during prayers, he said, “I love you mama” and pulled his arms from under the covers to wrap around my neck to give me a good, tight hug. And then he said, “Let’s do roses and thorns” and he let me go first.

I told him my rose of the day was playing with him at the park and luckily I didn’t have any thorns today.

He said his rose was playing at the park with me too and that his thorn was missing out on serving at lunch duty today because he thought he had a newspaper meeting when he actually didn’t. He wished he could have worked with his friend Mark, and instead said he’ll have to wait to serve until Friday. We have to remember to do this every night and day.

These are the days.

Go outside and PLAY and plant some roses, BeLoveRs. xo

Namaste.

6Jul2014

Changing Times

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This is the play set in our backyard. We’re getting ready to retire it and share it with a new family.

Jeff and Steve built it several years ago and it has provided much entertainment for our kids and for friends and family who visit. Our kids are growing up and don’t really play on it anymore, so it’s time to say goodbye even though I feel attached to the memories. Once in awhile they will sit on the swings or sway across the monkey bars. We’re ready to let it go and to make space for something new.

Making space. That seems to be another theme of mine this year, along with letting go. How can we let go of the past to create space for the new? Letting go is sometimes challenging because of all the memories encapsulated in the stuff. But letting go allows us to experience something new and I’m all for that. Even though I feel a bit sad as we get ready to let go.

I’m excited to be giving the play set to one of my PEO Sisters who has two young daughters under the age of three. I love giving things away, knowing they are going to good homes and knowing that another family might be able to enjoy what was once ours. It is silly to feel a connection to stuff, but I am connected to the memories of youth and little kids and the am proud that Jeff and Steve built this for our kids. Gving it away makes me fully aware that my kids aren’t little anymore. *big sigh* I am happy that other little ones will get to enjoy it though and create their own fun memories.

Life is good. Namaste.

Times are changing… here we go! I wonder how we’ll fill the space. Got any ideas?

29Jun2014

Life’s Moments

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Do you ever feel like sometimes life stands still and you actually get to stand back and take a snapshot and really see a moment?

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Every so often, I feel like time stands still and I have clarity and can really see and be present in that exact moment.

Today I had one of those.

Christian returned from his Caravan journey and it was such a touching and meaningful moment, that I almost missed. I was scheduled to play a finals USTA tennis match tonight at the exact same time of his arrival. Before he left, I had asked him if he minded me missing his homecoming because of this big game, and of course he said no. He knows how much I love playing tennis and that our team has been doing very well. As the week went by, I was feeling worse and worse about my selfish decision to play, even though I knew my team needed me. I was so torn. Then on Thursday, I ran into an angel at Charlie’s sports camp, who asked me if I was going to be there for his arrival and I told her my story. She said I really wouldn’t want to miss this moving experience and from that moment, I knew I couldn’t play. Luckily, the night before last, I got an email with our team lineup and there was a backup player available to cover anyone who might have an issue.

I had an issue. I had mom guilt. I couldn’t play anymore. I knew I had to be there for his arrival and couldn’t be two places at once. I wanted to be there to greet Christian and to see his face and to hear his story about his journey, first hand. Luckily, I was given a pass.

I have been anticipating his arrival all week. Today I spent a couple hours deep cleaning his room, kind of like in preparation for his arrival, as if I was having a guest come over. I think I was nesting, just like what you do before you have a baby and you want everything to be just right for the baby’s arrival. Just this time, it was my big baby’s arrival back at home again.

I wanted to do something nice for him, so I decluttered, dusted and created a clean space for him. Juliana made a welcome home sign and hung it on our garage door that said, “Welcome Home, Christian.” We were anticipating his arrival and were so excited.

We were at church, when the Caravan crew arrived. They opened the doors and the kids and all the advisors came in and walked past us seated on the benches, to the front of the church to their reserved seats, while we sang and clapped and I cried. I kept crying because I am overly emotional and feel so deeply.

I cried for several reasons.

I cried because I was happy to see his face again.

I cried because I was so proud of him.

I cried because I couldn’t hug him right away and wanted to touch him.

I cried because I know he grew up this week and had a life changing experience without me, which is great and wonderful and perfect, but I still felt like I missed out. I am attached and am in the process of detaching as moms should do. I just didn’t know that this was happening right now. But now I do, and I’m ok with that. Just weepy. 😉

I cried because I was fully aware that he is growing up and becoming more independent, doing exactly what he is supposed to do. And that means that my role is changing. I felt the transition tonight. And I cried for that too. Moms of grown kids – I know you get this. I’m just beginning. I get it. I am feeling it and it’s really ok.

I am so thankful that I ran into Colleen and she guided me to be there for the homecoming tonight. Thank you, Colleen.

I am so thankful that we belong to such a great church community, filled with love and teaching my kids to be loving and giving and providing this wonderful service opportunity for them, that is also helping them to grow up with grace.

I am thankful that Christian is home again and that he had such a remarkable experience. I loved hearing his stories about the people he met, the work he did, and the friends that he made.

And my tennis team, they won tonight!! I stopped by at the end of the match and was able to witness our final win in a tie break, with the lady who took my place and my partner. They all understood me and get it – they are moms too. And we’re all in this thing together. Thank you Gloria and Reid – for being great captains and for supporting my last minute change of mind. You are the best!!

Life is good!