Happy Mama 2015

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

How was your Mother’s Day?
Juliana decorated the kitchen for me when I got up and there were flowers and cards and gifts on the table to enjoy. Jeff brought me coffee in bed and Charie came in to snuggle.

I was happy and frustrated and sad today but mostly happy. I say that to keep things real because I share mostly the happy parts of my life but want to be clear that there is work and struggle behind the happiness.

I have a lot of expectations and hopes and dreams and sometimes those are hard to manage and live by. And I wouldn’t change a thing!

I was really sad that I wasn’t in Southern California with my family and my mama who were all gathering for a family early dinner.

I was sad for Laurie who’s celebrating her first Mother’s Day without Chase. This day has got to suck for her.

I was sad and frustrated that my kids didn’t really want to go for a hike with me, and that we had to make them go anyway. In my imagination, we all want to do the same thing and live happily after. I have raised independent and confident teens who have other ideas than mine and sometimes this creates conflict. It’s healthy and normal and presents a struggle that I’m not quite good with just yet. I’m still learning.

Luckily Jeff is good at negotiating or maybe cracking the whip. Thank goodness for him and getting everyone on board because once we all got out and to the hills, we were smiling again.

I loved walking with everyone and enjoying the views and sharing stories. It reminded me of our time exploring in Europe together and us walking everywhere. This made me happy and we got almost 10,000 steps in.

I was happy that we all had breakfast together and sat on the couch to watch a family movie together with popcorn.

I love that we all love Japanese food and that they made a reservation for dinner out tonight.

I loved that we stopped at Philz for a coffee and mochas before heading home and relaxed on the couch together. Christian took a selfie of us, that he never does and shared it on FB. This made me smile because even though we get frustrated with each other, we still love each other and are best friends. We say we are sorry and quickly forgive and forget which is awesome. I love this kid.

Charlie wanted to play cards before bed and beat me almost every hand. I love playing games and loved that he wanted to play with me. It was on my wish list today and he listened.

It was a full day of togetherness and I am content and grateful. I got to text and talk with friends and family and enjoy everyone’s FB Mother’s Day love stories. I hope your day was good and that you felt loved.

Life is good.

nAMaste

9Apr2015

Lost

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

So we took our baby girl to the airport today and did the whole group photos, lots of kisses and hugs and sharing thoughts and don’t forgets and call me or text and all that good stuff.

We wished her well and stood anxiously waiting behind the black wall, watching her go through security until we couldn’t see her anymore. And then we left. No tears, actually! I was proud of myself. Maybe I worked through the anxiety yesterday and was ready and prepared today. Maybe.

I am happy for her.

I am proud of her.

I am okay.

What made me sad and anxious was realizing that I’ve done my job and that she’s flying away. Not literally, as in flying to Japan, but she’s flying the nest. She’s got the hang of this life thing and she’s confident, strong, independent, courageous and curious and kind. She’s everything I’ve always wanted her to be. And she’s still young. I wasn’t expecting this to all come together like this, right here, right now. And so it is.

I came home from the airport and just sat still. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing I wanted to do and everything I could do and yet I did nothing. I ate some leftovers, not because I was really hungry, but because food is my anti-anxiety drug of choice. I looked at Facebook and created a FrameMagic collage and posted an update from the moments just passed. I practiced using SnapChat and chatted with Juliana while she waited another 2 hours before her plane departed.

I sat and waited with her yet in my living room. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was waiting with her. She asked if I was going to sit still for 11 hours too, the same time she would be sitting for the duration of her flight. I told her no way, that wasn’t possible and she laughed. She also told me she was only going to be gone for 240 hours and asked if I was going to sit and wait for her too, and I said absolutely not. 240 hours sounds a lot shorter than 10 days. She made me laugh.

Kristin invited me over for a visit and I was thankful that she got me out of the house. I needed to do something and I enjoyed her company and conversation. I continued texting Juliana until her flight took off. It was fun to stay connected and I’m anxiously awaiting her next text around midnight tonight, letting me know she landed. All is well.

I called my mom this afternoon, and the first thing she said to me was, “So, do you feel lost?” And I said, “Yes!! That’s exactly how I feel. How did you know? I didn’t even know that was what I was feeling, but yes. I feel lost.” She said that’s how she felt when I left to go to Australia when I was 12 years old!! I so get her. She is one brilliant woman. I am so glad she was brave enough to let me go. She shaped my spirit for adventure and wanderlust and I have now shared this with my kids.

I’m okay feeling a little lost.

This is real and it’s normal and she’s fine and I’m fine. I am vulnerable and just a little lost – like I don’t know what to do with her not here and not having to pick her up or make her lunch or make her gluten-free dinners or take her here nor there. She’s okay and I’m okay – it’s just different and we’re growing up. Both of us.

Laurie called today to check on me and several friends and family texted to see how I was feeling and to wish Juliana well. I am grateful, especially to Laurie who could see me and my anxiety and reached out, despite her own feelings of loss. How did she do that? I am in awe of her, always. She’s one strong woman who I admire so much.

The sisterhood of motherhood is strong in my village.

I don’t feel so lost anymore. I can’t wait to hear all the stories about adventures in Japan! Have fun, baby girl and live it up!!

Carry on, BeLoveRs!!

nAMaste sisters!

23Mar2015

The Old Mom

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I am now the old mom with BIG kids.

When did this happen? I see it. I know it. But it’s still hard to believe and I love this stage and I love my kids and danced around the kitchen in my jammies this morning, singing to them, “All you need is love.” I know they think I’m crazy yet luckily they laughed and thought I was funny and little do they know how much I adore them. I am so in love with my teens and almost tween and love this stage of life. I know they’ll be leaving soon and I am enjoying every minute with them, so be it.

I read the BEST parenting article today by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, that made me cry. Check her out here:

http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/i-wish-someone-wouldve-warned-me-about-these-big-feelings

You’ll cry too, because she’s funny, real, authentic, and totally gets this parenting thing like no one else. And she loves women too, just like me and wants to lift each other up and support one another and buy each other wine and high five each other at Target when the littles are throwing temper tantrums.I love her and so does everyone else. She gets life and is really funny.

I love being a mom. It’s what I always wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be financially independent, knowing I could take care of myself and my family if I had to, and then I wanted to stay at home and raise our babies. Here I am. Living the dream. I love what I do, despite the stress and chaos and craziness that surrounds me some days.

I love being in the car with them and their friends and taking them to and from – most days! Last week, was another story, but today I was good. I took Juliana to her ortho appointment and then we went to get a bubble tea and fried snacks because that sounded like fun to them after school. I didn’t want to be busy. I wanted to soak them in and spoil them while I can. I always struggle with that – not wanting to spoil them and wanting to spoil them at the same time. They were thankful and we had fun together.

When we came home, Juliana was busy tutoring a little girl so Charlie and I went to hide away in his “apartment.” We sat on his couch and ate our snacks and played Mastermind together, which brought back memories for me when my dad and I used to play together. We are usually running around with way too much to do, and yet today we slowed down and just played. Can I even tell you how sweet this was? I am so thankful that Juliana needed a quiet house and that Charlie and I got to hide away together for an hour.

I know I’m writing a lot – but seriously, I really do like and enjoy my kids and today was one of those BIG FEELINGS days. We were at a funeral on Friday, and at a Special Needs Brunch on Sunday and I am still missing Chase every day and am fully aware that life is fleeting and messy so while it’s good, I plan to love on them and live it up every day while I can.

Charlie made me cry tonight when he decided to make dinner for himself and Christian. He wanted special plates to make the meal look fancy. We cooked tempura shrimp and he molded rice in little cups to neatly place on the special plates. He placed the shrimp in a star pattern and used a brush to place the sauce decoratively on the plate. He was so proud of himself and served his brother in his room, while he studied. He was like a little, proud, Master Chef, Jr. I loved this connection and loved that they share this bond together.

This old mom is content. Life is good and IS what you make it to be and I’m okay with things changing and aging. I am living it up today and everyday and loving this one life right now. And you? Are you living it up and loving it out wherever you are right now?

Namaste.

16Mar2015

What Do You Notice?

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

What we pay attention to, we create.

If we’re in a good mood, we tend to notice good things and over look things that stand in the way of our happiness.

If we say we’re tired, we’re tired.

But what happens when we’re tired, and instead we say to ourselves that we’re not tired? What happens? Maybe we don’t pay attention to the feelings of being tired and keep on going anyway. That’s what I do. I’m not tired. Until my body shuts down and tells me I’m tired, then I believe it. Then I notice. But most of the time I refuse to give in to tiredness and keep going, enjoying all that life has to share. It’s a state of mind.

I believe in the power of the mind to create our reality, which is why I focus on sharing positive thoughts and happiness every day. I want to be happy and I want to create it for myself, for my family, my friends and my community.

Usually, I can stay in a positive state of mind, but sometimes I lose it. I don’t like myself very much when I give up and succumb to the negative feelings and let them take over. But that’s reality too. I know. I just don’t like it.

Tonight I was tired. I was also sick and up 4 times last night, so I know I was really tired. My body told me so. But I wasn’t paying attention and was very snappish tonight. I didn’t like that I lost my patience and got angry with one of my kids. It’s normal and real, I know, but I prefer the other side of me, much more when I can stay present and focused on the bigger picture of raising great, independent kids, patiently, and not overreacting to their childish behavior. Duh. They’re kids. I know. But I was tired. I noticed how much they were bugging me and paid attention there and reacted accordingly. *big sigh*

Some days are just like that. Even in Australia.

Luckily feelings are fleeting and we noticed we were both tired and snappish and said our sorries so that we could go on living and loving and laughing again. Ahhh… luckily that didn’t take too long.

And so it was. And so it is. Perfectly imperfect.

Hope you noticed more good than bad today and lived your happily ever after. Today. Namaste and good night.

21Feb2015

Are You Happy?

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Happiness is “simple.” We just have to follow this little flow chart. I don’t think we should always expect to be happy though. Sometimes we need to wait until we’re ready to change again. I think being aware that we are unhappy is healthy too. We just have to decide how long we want to stay where we are.

If this was my own creation, I’d add another arrow leading from “Change Something” back up to the continuos happiness cycle, asking the question again after you change something to determine if that leads to happiness or not. Just because you change something does not necessarily lead to happiness again. I think we have to always be asking the questions and making decisions, every day. We’re never done.

The only thing that is constant is change.

Today I was happy having a mother daughter date with my teenager. I love that she wants to be with me and that I want to be with her. I love her company and watching her grow up, although today I wanted to slow down time. We both went to get haircuts together. Her hair is curlier than mine and we both had ours blown out and smoothed, the way only a hairdresser can make it shiny and sleek. Seeing her look so beautiful and grown up made me proud and awe struck again. She looked older and I think I looked a little younger, somehow. It’s weird to see me in her and her in me.

Celia made me think of parenthood this week with her FB post that said: “When you become a parent, you stop being the picture and become the frame.” Looking at Juliana today, I saw the picture developing and love my role as the loving boundary and frame.

I am happy.

8Jan2015

Head in the Clouds

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Today I’m thankful that I still have a kid who likes to play in the park. Because of him, I sat outside on a bench before the sun set and enjoyed watching the clouds go by.

Sounds silly, but I enjoyed this moment and was thankful that we were there.

I loved watching him run around and climb up the play structures and jump off the slide with his friend. They were carefree, just playing and running and chasing each other. Luckily I looked up from my phone and magazine to catch these moments before it was time to go.

I’m trying to slow down and do less and today was just the right balance.

I got to clean my house, play tennis and volunteer all before my kids came home. Once they came home, I actually enjoyed driving them to their appointments and making dinner with Jeff and sitting down to a family taco dinner and discussion over candle light.

As I slow down and do less, my kids are wanting to play more. I find this intriguing. Because they see me sitting, they want to come and sit on top of me and want all of my attention. I’ve been fighting this and then wonder why I’m fighting it. I think by the end of the day I’m tired and am mentally worn out. It’s not that I don’t want to play with them, but I feel like I’m a dog and they’re little kids getting up in my face and I just want to snap. How wrong is that? I know it and realize it and fought against it and then gave in. Instead of biting them, I laughed and played and kissed their faces all over the place, so thankful that they wanted to be a part of me and celebrated our togetherness. I’m letting go of my expectation to sit quietly at the end of the day so that I can continue to enjoy the gifts they bring to my life. I am thankful and tired. Thank you to all the mamas who remind me to enjoy these moments because they go by so fast. I appreciate your wisdom.

And with that, I wish you a good night. May all dreams come true.