Antidote to Anxiety

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

Sunnyvale Sky

Check out the scenery. This was the beautiful day we got to experience thanks to Charlie and his soccer try-outs this afternoon. The clouds and the mountains and the fall leaf colors in the open space made me say aahhhhhhhhhhh. Namaste. Relaxed for an hour. Ahhhhhhh.

The holidays bring anxiety to my body. I feel like there is so much to do and it overwhelms my body, wondering how it’ll all come together, even though it always does. Preparing for Christmas makes me feel like preparing for finals. I like to do everything BUT prepare and procrastinate instead. My laundry is done. My inbox is empty yet my shopping list and card list and detailed plans have not been touched. Why do we procrastinate when the tasks feel daunting? It’s not like not doing anything is going to help us. I wish I could just dive in and conquer the beast, yet I continue to procrastinate instead and find everything else to do instead. This is a strange behavior! Do you ever do this? I wonder why. I think I work better under pressure, and will probably wait until the last minute to get it all done.

How was your day? Did you do any work? Relax? Explore? Exercise? There are so many wonderful things to do in this world. What did you choose?

We chose to go to the Korean market to buy marinated meats and noodles and vegetables to prepare at home for dinner. We chose seaweed salad, spicy eggplant, noodles with veggies, spicy pork, marinated ribeye, and short ribs. Going to the Korean market is such an experience of sights, sounds and smells and being a minority. Everyone was really friendly and helpful and I noticed how there are different culture norms for space and pace. People would stand right next to me in my personal space. Others would block walk ways and not move, even when there was a cart right next to their feet. One bumped right into me and was polite enough to say excuse me. Others walked so slowly and stopped in the doorway to look for things, oblivious to the fact that people were trying to get out. Once the woman started moving, she walked at a snail’s pace and we patiently waited, curious and dumbfounded by the differences in priorities. Life is so interesting and good.

Here was what caught my eye tonight at the salad bar at the Korean market – anchovies by the pound! Did you see anchovies today? Want some? We skipped these lil’ delicacies.

I was happiest today when I was cooking with my husband, preparing a meal for our family and a friend. We just loved being home, sharing a drink, conversation and making a delicious meal together and cleaning up as we went. It’s the little things that bring great joy. Gifts not gaps. Life is good.

Namaste.

3Dec2014

Patiently Waiting

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

It’s day 3 and today I enjoyed a day of “nothingness” in my pajamas all day and listening to the rain.

I refuse to let in to the anxiety and instead am slowing down, whatever that means. I loved just being in my quiet house without the sound of tv, music, or kids.

Three things made me happy today:
1) Having the day “off”

2) Making fish stew with leftovers

3). Decluttering my desk area

How did you enjoy your day?

Wishing you peace, love, and light.

Namaste. xo

2Dec2014

Rainbows and Unicorns

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I don’t always see rainbows and unicorns, but I’m always looking for them in my mind and once in awhile I find them, both literally and figuratively.

Today I got lucky and actually saw this rainbow over my house and it made me smile. There is something magical about them. You have to be looking up to see them and they don’t last for very long, so if you’re not paying attention and you stay inside, you might just miss them.

This is how I see life. There are rainbows that appear and we have to be present and in the moment to see them. We have to go outside and play.

What rainbows did you see today? What was magical about your day? Did you slow down to see what’s special in front of you?

I have holiday anxiety in my body. I want to be in several places at the same time and my To Do list is bigger than my To Be list. Yet I refuse to be too busy and to let the anxiety take over. Instead, I made the time to be present and to enjoy the gifts of presence with my self, my friends and with my family, amidst the chaos and rain and shopping and planning and cooking and cleaning. This is what advent means to me.

Susanne saved me a place at yoga this morning. I was running behind in the rain and hitting every stop light. I didn’t think I was going to make it there on time, and if you’re late, the yoga teacher puts out a sign saying the class is closed. I was fearful and planning a plan b, and luckily Susanne was able to stall and I squeezed in the door just in time for an awesome workout. Melissa is an amazing yoga teacher.

I had lunch with my BFF Julie who broke her arm. Mom’s are not allowed to go down. We have too much work to do. I was thankful for the silver lining that she wasn’t hurt too badly and that she had to stay home from work for a few days and that we could see each other. We enjoyed catching up and just being. This To Be list is quite fulfilling and it feels so good to check things off.

Because I was out during the day, I enlisted the help of my elves to get the housework done after school. They are good little elves and worked with me to declutter our house after our trip this past week. We got the laundry all done, the floors cleaned, the kitchen decluttered and the bathroom cleaned. I am so thankful for them. We believe in work and play, but we have to work first. After the house was less chaotic, I took the boys to the pool in the rain so that they could swim and practice water polo. I have to thank our time in Amsterdam for desensitizing me to the cold, dark, and rain and to go outside anyway. They were happy and I was happy watching them enjoy each other tonight.

Finally, Juliana and I went to a Pampered Chef party and fundraiser with my PEO sisters to raise money for women’s education. I loved being out with her, spending time with friends and enjoying shopping for fun new kitchenware. I can’t wait for our presents to arrive.

As the hustle and bustle and christmas music fills your ears, remember to slow down and enjoy the journey. Make time for rainbows and unicorns, and if you don’t see one this minute, I’m sure one will appear soon. Keep looking. Never give up.

Namaste.

14Oct2014

The Family Dinner

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I LOVE the family dinner. I fight for this time and try to do whatever I can to make this a nightly routine, despite our hectic schedules. It doesn’t always work out and then I resort to the family breakfast, but that’s even more chaotic at 6:45 a.m.

Right now I’m holding on and don’t want to let go. I want us all together, in our safe little cocoon, together for the 15 -30 minutes that it lasts. I value this time of us all being together, doing the same thing at the same time. That is peaceful to me.

I skipped volunteering this afternoon so that I could have dinner cooked and prepared for when we all got home from our activities, as we had a full day. I had plastic, reusable containers filled with Mexican food ready to take out of the refrigerator and reheat when we could gather again. While the food was warming, we worked together to set the table and fill drink glasses, and finished washing the pots and pans and emptying the dishwasher – multitasking and checking off the chore list before the next round of work began and doing it together.

We all assembled our plates and brought them to the table and then we held hands in a circle across the table and said a brief prayer. We were connected. We stood still and held each other for 30 seconds, while we expressed gratitude for all that is good and for healing for all that is bad. We shared a few stories, a few laughs, a few disciplinary recommendations, and enjoyed each other and the comfort that the food and family time provided.

I chose to be late to my meeting, so that I could sit around the table with the most important people in my life. I am choosing to be present and to not be busy, even when I am.

We need to slow down and be present, even when it feels like we can’t.

Make the time, BeLoveRs. How will you choose to slow down and enjoy your loved ones this week?

Namaste.

I am thankful

17Aug2014

Anxiety and Back to School

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

You’d think I’d be excited for the kids to go back to school tomorrow, yet I’m filled with anxiety and mixed feelings.

Of course, I’m ready for my “vacation” to begin, as we’ve had a ton of togetherness these past ten weeks, yet I’m filled with a sense of loss and I always feel like this before a big change.

I start seriously nesting and feeling like I have to reorganize, sort and declutter and buy everything new. We bought new shoes for all three kids today for their first day tomorrow. I think it’s cute that they picked matching Vans.

Backpacks are filled and we’ve got special snacks for back to school filled lunch bags.

We started reading more and practicing Chemistry. Just a little more practice so they aren’t too rusty before returning to “work.”

New outfits have been laid out and we had a relatively quiet day, just spending the day together as a family before the mad dash at 6 am tomorrow morning.

I’m planning on making breakfast burritos when they wake up and take pictures before they head off.

And to fend off the anxiety, I got out a board game to play with the younger two before we ended the day. We had fun playing a couple rounds of Sequence.

I know all will be well and they will find their new ways, and hopefully their paths will be smooth with the right classes and good teachers and good friends. I will miss them being home as much as I’ll enjoy the quiet and fewer messes. It’s that yin and yang thing again and feeling of being conflicted. And so it goes.

God bless all the children and mamas and papas as they transition this week and always. Life is a series of transitions. We should be getting good at these!! :-). And thank you to all the teachers we trust to guide and teach our children everyday and the community that supports us along the way.

Have a good school year, everyone!

Namaste

13May2014

Nesting

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

Oh my gosh… I had such anxiety today. I am going on vacation tomorrow and leaving everyone behind. This created such anxiety for me and I wish it didn’t. I am so excited to go away and yet I’m scared to leave and feel guilty, which is so stupid. I don’t believe in all this fear and worry, yet it swept over my body even when I was telling it to disappear. It was just there. Hello anxiety. I don’t like you.

So I went to yoga first thing this morning to let go of the stress and felt great the whole time, even after I left the class. I went shopping to gather all the groceries for the week, and drinks for the baseball game tomorrow, because I’m the team mom and won’t be there. And then the anxiety creeped in. I want to go but I don’t want to leave my kids and family. All of a sudden, it took over and I found myself making dinner for everyone and stuff for lunch for the rest of the week for my gluten free child, in case no one would know what to make for her. I felt like I had to provide for everyone, have all the laundry done, and the house clean and in order before I leave, heck before I even packed!!

I was definitely nesting. That’s the feeling you get before you have your first baby, where you want to have all the comforts and food ready to go. April came to the door to visit, unexpectedly, and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was nesting as I was sweating over a hot stove, not sure why I had 5 pans going at the same time, when it was a 100 degrees outside and there was a fundraiser dinner for the school tonight too that we could have gone to instead. I never cook like that. I made hard boiled eggs, gluten free pasta, brown rice, regular pasta, pasta jambalaya and steamed artichokes. Something is really wrong with me! At least I was aware — that’s usually half the problem, right? I was laughing at myself.

I had all the laundry done and folded, even the mismatched sock basket, while cooking and washing dishes and chatting with April and Val, who also showed up. I laughed that two of my friends came by to visit today, who I haven’t seen in awhile and just enjoyed their company, instead of worrying and continuing to pack. I know I was being irrational and I actually really loved having the distraction, even though I knew I was procrastinating and still had to pack. Yin and yang. Living in the moment. That’s what it looks like.

After they left, I was out of time and it was time to go and pick up the kids and run to an orthodontist appointment. And since it was 100+ degrees outside and the ice cream shop was right next door, of course we had to stop in and enjoy the moment. There was still time to pack. At least dinner was already ready to go. 😉

I came home and finished packing – ta da!! Just in time to finish cleaning before my parents arrived. They came to town to take my place while I’m gone. I’m so, so thankful and lucky because they are so capable and willing and loving and helpful and my kids and husband love them. I had lists written out with all the schedules for the next few days and I shared the details with them after dinner. Man, when you see your life in writing, it’s crazy to see all the logistics. No wonder I feel anxious. I have to let go of my responsibilities and it feels so weird.

But I’m good now. All is well. My parents arrived and Jeff came home from work and we all shared a nice dinner together. The kids are in bed and I leave first thing in the morning. I haven’t decided if I will write over the next 4 nights, but if I have internet access, I will do my best. I haven’t taken a break since I began blogging 785+ posts ago.

Thanks for reading and sharing and laughing and listening. I hope you have a great rest of the week and feel good! xo

19Jan2014

Not Busy

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

When you’re not busy, the days are long and there is time to do everything and nothing.

Today I was not busy. It’s very challenging for me to not have anything to do. Believe me, I really will never have nothing to do, but I didn’t have anything I had to do. No pressure. No deadline. No one needing me. And I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. Not having a plan gives me anxiety. How about for you?

Football was on all day today, so the boys were occupied. I’m still fighting a cold, so going to the beach or shopping or getting out of the house wasn’t all that desirable to me. I decided to stay home and to just be home. I have a perpetual to do list, but I didn’t really feel like following a list. My problem in staying home is I tend to cook and clean. Not that that is a problem, but I don’t usually sit still and read or pick one or two projects to work on.

I need to practice being still, and being ok just staying home with “nothing” to do and enjoy the process of letting things unfold naturally. Life is a continuous practice, of this or that, isn’t it?

We went to church this morning and spent an hour afterwards working together in honor of Martin Luther King Day tomorrow and being of service. We came home and I cooked pork carnitas in the crock pot, prepared lunch and appetizers for the family, worked on uploading and organizing 2000+ photos, and watched football with my boys, and snuck away to watch some of the Australian Open. After the games were over, we all went for a walk together around the block to get a little exercise and fresh air. The day wasn’t fancy or all that exciting, but it just was. It’s probably what Sundays should look like. A day of rest. I’m working on being ok with being not busy (aka “bored”) and fighting the anxiety that makes me feel like I should be doing more. It’s ok to not be busy, and I’m going to keep on practicing, just being. Wish me luck.

How was your day? Can you sit still and do “nothing”?

23Nov2013

GGG – Day 22 – Waiting

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience – waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”
― Gary Paulsen, Hatchet

Gratitude Gift Giving Day 22 – Hurry Up and Wait

The less I choose to do the more patient I become. I have more time to wait and open space to fill and I am loving this feeling.

Today I sat on the little red bench in front of my house and just enjoyed sitting there for no real reason. I had laundry to fold and I was waiting for Laurie to arrive, yet I did not want to rush. Charlie was playing with his friends down the street and I enjoyed just sitting there and anticipating when he would return and when Laurie would arrive. Soon the sun started setting and warmed my face as it shone in the area where I was sitting. It felt like a gift that I wasn’t expecting and I soaked in the last few minutes of sunshine for the day before the air began to cool and I went inside. By this time Charlie had already gone inside and wondered why I was sitting there alone.

This felt peaceful to me and made me think about the times we spend waiting and anticipating what is to come next. We spend a long time waiting for this and that and usually we don’t like to wait. But what if we could be more patient? What if we could enjoy the periods of waiting? I wondered what that would feel like and actually enjoyed the wait today. At least for a little while until I got anxious. I tend to get anxious when I’m waiting but I’d like to change that. I’d like to be ok in the periods of transition and anticipation and flow into these moments too. Hmmm… There’s a thought for the day.

How do you feel when you’re waiting? What are you waiting for?

Today I’m thankful for the periods of waiting because they bring a sense of excitement and change.

It’s the 50th anniversary of JFK assassination today.

3Jul2013

Day 343: The Space Between

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

I’m in that space – that in between place, living in the moment and preparing for the next chapter amidst the chaos and joy, filled with anxiety and peace. I think they call this transition. Christine described it as liminality in her blog today as she prepares to move her family and transition to a new community in another state. I totally understand what she’s experiencing. You can read about her transition here: Christine’s blog

My toe nail polish is chipped, my hair is wild and curly, the laundry machine keeps whirling, and the sorting and organizing and tossing has begun and I haven’t worked out in weeks. The kids are loud and a bit crazy, I might add. And I think they actually liked seeing me come a bit undone. I can laugh now, but could you see my head spinning?

One of my mottos is to work hard, first, then play. And today I did just that. I organized and shopped and packed and cleaned all day, knowing that I had something fun to look forward to later.

Barbara invited me to join her for dinner and a boat ride. I can’t even tell you the peace that came over me, being out on the water one more time, and spending time with my dear friend. This was the best anti-anxiety medicine ever! Thank you, Barbara!! You made my day.

Our routines are shaking, our community is changing, and in 5 days I’ll be on another plane heading back home. I’m excited for what’s to come and a little anxious too. I’m sad to be leaving a part of my soul behind with the friends and community that have loved me and my family in this short year. And I’m ready for what comes next, whatever that may be…to hug my family and friends, to resettle in our cozy, little home, and to enjoy all that California has to offer.

Namaste.

24Jun2013

Day 334: 2 Weeks To Go!

Posted in Uncategorized by adrianahartley

We leave Holland in 2 weeks! I have extreme anxiety today. It’s feeling so real. I know in my mind that by the end of the month, the transition will be done and I can breathe more easily again. I know that it will take some time to repatriate and feel at home again and that a lot will have changed while we’ve been away and a lot will still be the same. I have anxiety about the move and transitioning back to where I came from, although I feel different and the same. Does that make any sense?

I wish I had a tribe of expats who have already been there, done that, who could tell me what to expect. I’m reading a book called The Art of Coming Home that tells me a bit about what to expect, but I’m sure it’s just like having a baby… you can read about it and hear stories, but until you go through it, you won’t know what the experience is really like, and it’s different for everyone. I’m sure it’ll all be good (well, mostly all good) but I do have anxiety in anticipation of what’s to come and what it will be like and all that.

But for now, I’m just busy doing the work and enjoying the moment, despite the anxious feeling. This too, shall pass, and in five years, it won’t matter any more. 😉

Here are some of the tasks I did today to prepare for our move:

1. Went to the Honda dealer to pick up the death certificate for our minivan. So sad… but at least we have a receipt and can stop paying taxes and insurance on the car.

2. Did several loads of laundry (and still going) and not done! Did I tell you the laundry machines in the Netherlands are teeny tiny, inefficient and do 1/4 the load size in 3 times the time it takes to do a load in the States? Yes, this is a problem for me!

3. Met with a house cleaner to do a walk through and to get an estimate for the final cleaning.

4. Went to the mobile phone store to figure out how to cancel my contract.

5. Went grocery shopping – we still have to eat!! 😉

6. Bought birthday presents for my birthday boys.

7. Decided on a birthday plan for our littlest one. Just gotta book the venue and send out invitations.

8. Mailed a package to the US. Do you know it costs like $40 to mail some cookies and candy in a shoe box? So expensive, don’t you think?

9. Set up phone and internet service appointment back in the States, so I can stay wired once I returned.

10. Talked to my family in California for over an hour – it’s important to stay in touch.

11. Picked up Charlie from a play date in Amsterdam… trying to get those last goodbyes in before we go! We’re not done playing and exploring yet!!

12. Made baked pasta dishes and sprayed tomato puree all over my curtains when the can exploded in my hands and sprayed 5 feet away! Gotta love messy surprises and cleaning and scrubbing tomato sauce off white curtains. One more thing to fix before we leave!

13. Began packing for our girls’ trip tomorrow!! Juliana and I are off on a girls’ adventure, just the two of us! So excited… stay tuned tomorrow to find out where in the world we went. 😉

The list goes on and on.. but just wanted to share some of the more mundane details of the weeks leading up to lift off. LIfe is good! Hope you’re enjoying the first few days of summer… still raining here and California too, I hear… xoxo