frustration | here i am

I was working hard today and failed.

I am a cheerleader. I get really excited about little things and I cheer out loud with laughter, excited chatter, smiles, jumping up and down and even dancing sometimes, encouraging and exciting my family. Yet sometimes I am the only one who is excited and I don’t get any reaction or connection and they just think I’m crazy.

This usually isn’t a problem because I am a little crazy. It just becomes a problem when I expect a reaction and for them to cheer along with me and then they don’t. When they choose to not share joy with me (the way I think they should in my head), I sometimes get frustrated, mad or sad, it just depends.

So I’ve been really into making breakfasts for my family these past two weeks and accommodating their special needs. This morning I made everyone breakfast, and my husband decided he had to rush out the door and couldn’t have breakfast today. I packaged it up to go and handed it to him to take with him, and he didn’t want it and I felt rejected. I am half Italian and I’ve been raised to feed my family and that it’s good for their health. I have a weird attachment to food and maybe it’s a girl thing, but I feel fulfilled when I feed my loved ones. It’s a way for me to provide for them and it’s an important part of the way I spend every day. So when he didn’t want my food, it wasn’t about the food. He didn’t want me (in my mind) and I know this is insane thinking but again, perfectly imperfectly I sometimes forget and connect food to love. There was an expectation gap and I was feeling it all day. Luckily I got over myself and he understood why I felt so strongly, but geez, what a waste of breath!!

So my breakfast cheerleading event failed!

Last night was another food cheering fail. I had offered a homemade and delicious dinner to two of the males in my family and even offered to heat their plates. They both acted like I was bothering them because they were busy doing something else and they didn’t want to be bothered by my cheering for food again. And I was in a hurry as I had to be out the door again within 15 minutes. I don’t know why I have to take their “not interested in my meals” as something personal. They’re not trying to be mean; maybe they were just not thinking of eating at the time I interrupted them. I’m not making excuses for them and still think they could have cheered a little bit, but after giving it some space I realized that I was more excited than they were. That’s nothing new!

And then it happened again tonight with my son. I was excited to show him something that we had for him, and he was less than thrilled again by the request. He acted like it was no big deal (to me), and it was a BIG deal (again in my head and not necessarily his). Luckily this time, the expectation gap wasn’t about food, but the gap made me frustrated again.

I need to learn to let go and to not expect anyone to cheer the same way I do. They cheer in their own ways and that’s okay.

I’ve learned that I have to manage my own expectations and try to align mine with those of others. I’m still practicing and this is hard! But that, my friends, is the definition of happiness… when our expectations are in alignment with our reality. I want to keep cheering for that! Close the gap and live in the moment, peacefully with others, with ourselves, and expecting nothing less. I’ll keep on cheering, despite the challenges!

Life is good, right now!!

How can you be angry and still seek peace and love? Is that possible?

Today I got to practice. I still need more practice and I’m still learning, and I wish this practice was a little easier. I don’t like conflict but who does and it happens all the time, sometimes on a small scale and sometimes quite big.

Today I was angry and sad and frustrated – you know all those negative feelings that erupt sometimes? And as I was dealing with my anger and disappointment, I was still trying to practice holding it together, and to control my feelings, thoughts and words, and to still love the person standing in front of me and to see their goodness despite our disagreement.

What made me angry doesn’t matter – we all have our own issues, but how we handle our issues is what I’m practicing and that is what I wanted to share. I tend to share the happier moments of life, and I think it’s important to share the process of continuing to pursue happiness, even when it is challenging. This week has been challenging.

Today I practiced being kind and firm while I held my position. I tried listening to the other person’s perspective and tried to understand their point of view, even though I felt the situation was unfair. I practiced taking deep breathes in the moment and felt my body relax a bit. I accepted the outcome, even though I didn’t agree. I feel that my voice was heard and that was important to me. I was an advocate for my position and it was important for me to speak the truth, even though the truth created conflict, and the real truth was probably somewhere in between us.

I learned that even though we feel conflict and fight for what we believe is right, life is not always fair or just. And when we don’t have control and we’ve given our best, we have to make different choices and say amen, so be it, and deal with the consequences – whatever they may be, even if they are not what we may have wanted or chosen. And let it go. Let it go. My theme for the year. Just let it go. Move on. Freedom.

Let the anger go. Let the frustration go. Let the control go.

Accept what is. And start again.

And sometimes, we may be given gifts we weren’t expecting, and we might just have to wait to unwrap the hidden treasures. I already received several gifts just from this exchange and I am certain there will be more. I will wait. I am sure you can relate. We might have to wait, but the gifts are always there. Just maybe not the ones we had wished for. And that’s ok.

Namaste and I wish you peace and I wish you well, especially to the person I had conflict with this week (who is not a part of my family.) Bless your heart.