Isn’t that a weird title? Third Culture Kids and Trailing Spouses. Those are some terms they use to describe children who move away from their home land, and for the partners that pick up and move and follow their partner’s job overseas. Yesterday, I shared my perspective on what helped to make me feel settled in our new country. Tonight my kids want a turn to share.
Here is Christian’s perspective.
Hi this is Christian or I am better known as CJ here. I have really been wanting to talk about my experience so far in holland/ Europe/ the world. Literately this has been the best experience in my life. I would have never guessed moving to Holland, like I would maybe think the east coast or Canada but Europe! Wow! Moving here has really been quite the culture shock. Probably the best things that I have done/adapted to here include: having friends from all over the world and accepting other cultures, and adapting to new sports, such as soccer. Some other things I have learned about living here is traveling. The weird part is that I have been every place that I have covered in history last year, such as Istanbul, Turkey, London UK, and Germany. The thing that I have liked/enjoyed most has been friends and school. Here I hang out with a large group. What I think is cool is that we are all from different countries such as France, New Zealand, India and UK. I think that it is so cool to hear about what people’s lives where like in their home countries and how we can all connect. School, most of all, has brought me friends, education and an international understanding of the international community that I am surrounded by. Joining the school basketball team has been a really cool experience. I have traveled to 4 different cities and have played 6 different teams from 3 different countries. Even though getting in 4th, I was still able to have fun and improve dramatically on my basketball skills! From America to Amsterdam and around the world, I will always remember this journey forever.
Thanks- Christian 🙂
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And here is A Q&A with Juliana’s perspective:
Mom: Juliana, why did you want to move overseas?
Juliana: For the adventure.
Mom: How did you feel about moving to Holland?
Juliana: Originally excited, but sad to leave my friends, family, neighborhood, and school.
Mom: How long did it take for you to make new friends?
Juliana: I met friends when I started school a month after I arrived and also a few neighbors in the first few weeks.
Mom: What were your first impressions of your new school?
J: I thought, “Wow, this is big. This is different. This will take some getting used to, I’m gunna get lost.
M: What do you like best about being an expat?
J: I think it makes me really appreciate what I have back home, like good weather, my friends, the food, etc. I’m grateful I get to travel while I’m young and while I still don’t have to pay for an adventure- they are expensive!
M: How did you find fun things to do?
J: I volunteered for student council, and I joined a lunch time sewing club I just finished sewing a bag that I’m really proud of; I have also made wine bags and an apron. I made the volleyball and basketball traveling teams and experienced things I wouldn’t have the chance to, like spending the night with host families in a different country than my parents, an unknown family, and even in cities my parents haven’t been too!
M: Do you enjoy school?
J: No, because I don’t feel like I’m learning anything new. The school is nice, but I feel like my school in California was way ahead of what we are learning here, and I like the learning style better there.
M: Do you want to travel when you are older?
J: It depends. I prefer beach vacations over historical tours. Traveling is fun but it is tiring and kinda stressful sometimes- i definitely make the most out of my bed after a long day of site seeing. I’ve become a better traveler, I know what to pack and can pack in 30 minutes!! But the adventure you get out of it is priceless, especially while I’m young and can absorb it.
M: Do you have many friends?
J: Yes, I like to hang out with a group of friends. They come from USA, Hong Kong, Turkey, UK. Germany,France, Nepal, Belgium, Holland, Cambodia, Egypt, Czech Republic, and Japan.
M: Where is home?
J: America!! California.
M: What has the been the best part of your experience?
I really like seeing the world. It’s cool. But maybe one of the reasons why I don’t appreciate it as much as I should,not saying that I don’t appreciate it, but we traveled and did so much back home that it feels normal to me. It doesn’t feel that different. I know I am very lucky and am thankful, but I’m ready to go home.
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And last but not least, here’s Charlie’s view:
I did not want to move here. I did not want to leave my friends or my basketball hoop or my house and baseball team and soccer team. I liked my school and my teachers in America. I didn’t understand why we had to move and I want to go back. I like my friends that I’ve made at my new school, and will miss them too when we do move back someday. I don’t like living upstairs and like a one story house better. Sometimes I like traveling, but would rather travel in America. What I like best about Holland is my friends, but that’s about it.
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I’ve learned so much by asking these questions of my kids. I have to say I’m somewhat surprised and hoped for a more positive response, but I accept their opinions and value what they had to say. I wonder what other kids think of their expat parents’ choices. Hmmm….
here i am 
That sounds … confronting. How’d you handle it?
I like your perspective. I didn’t find it confronting, although I would have preferred a different response. I like their honesty and appreciate that they are young and don’t know yet how lucky they really are. They will one day and I’m thankful that they have had to “struggle” and had to get out of their comfort zone and learn to adapt and all that growing stuff. I didn’t really learn how to do this until my 20’s!!
They are entitled to their own feelings and I’m trying to not judge them for being real and honest, as hard as that is. They didn’t choose this adventure and they’ve done great despite their feelings. I have seen them integrate, change, grow, and become very independent, which is my goal for them. It’s ok for them to be uncomfortable, and they are not miserable or depressed, so really – they are just fine. 😉 Wow, that was a long response!! Does that make any sense?
It makes perfect sense 🙂
I guess when I began reading I was expecting something totally different. Christian’s response was expected, the other two, not so much. Though I can completely understand why this is the way they feel, and they expressed themselves very well.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and I’ve a couple of posts of my own up my sleeve in order to put my thoughts on the topic out there also.
Thank you for your honesty and insight. And thank the kids for me too! 🙂
I think it’s really neat that you asked your kids for their perspective. So often (well, probably always!) we make decisions about where to go, what to do, etc and our kids just have to come along…..not having a say in the matter…..and that was probably the case with your kids too. But on the plus side, they have had experiences that will last them a life time, they’ll probably really appreciate so much more what they have back in California, and they are probably better at being flexible and trying new things. I’m with them, though, i’m glad you’re coming back soon!!
XOXO
Marcia
Exactly – Marcia!! You get it. I think of my kids as part of our circle, and not as my own. I don’t feel like they’re mine – I am here to guide them, but they are responsible for their own being and becoming independent little people. Of course it’s my job to raise them and teach them, but I don’t feel controlling over them besides keeping them safe, loved, healthy and managing safe boundaries for them. I do my best and they do their best and we work through all the struggles in between, as a family. I truly listen to them and we adapt and change and grow every day. I think this experience has been wonderful for us, and it’s ok that they don’t like every moment of it… we can learn through the struggles too and know ourselves better through the “pain” and enjoy the benefits that come with this journey. All is well! Namaste. xo
This was so fun to read. Thanks for sharing. I think that you should ask them in 10 years and you might get a whole different response. In fact you will get a different response in 1 year. When you are in the thick of it, everything seems harder. They will miss things about Amsterdam, too.
Lenka, I’m glad you understand their experience. I know they are in the thick of it and cannot completely realize the benefits from their journey right now. I will ask them again in a year and 10 years from now. I can’t wait to see their responses.
I didn’t expect their responses either, except for Christian’s. I sat at the table last night and pondered whether or not to share, but I was amazed and humbled. One of my definitions of happiness is to not expect anything, and to accept whatever comes your way. Then adapt and change and move on. So as I listened and typed, I breathed in, and listened and waited and thanked them for being honest, even though it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I learn so much from them everyday and am thankful that they see things differently than I do. I tend to focus on what is positive and to see the good and tend to repress what is negative. Lately I am really thankful for those who can truly express what they feel without filters. My daughter and my husband are brutally honest and I used to fight that so hard. Now that I’ve let go of the expectation that they should be acting differently and accept them for who they are, there is less conflict between us. I don’t have to change their mind or have them see things the way I do (even though I think I’m right!) And by me letting go of trying to influence them, guess what? I influence them. How weird is that?
That’s one of the true places of happiness right there 🙂 Accepting others for who they are, not what you want them to be.
It was so interesting to see the differences in their answers and a really great idea to document this. It will be valuable to compare it later on. Thanks for sharing this!
This is a very interesting interview. Your children did experience this move in different ways and they will also have very different memories from this experience. It’s so important for them (and you, I suppose?) to share these thoughts! I was touched when I read your daughter’s answer to where is home. TCK’s mostly don’t like this question… But she knows where her home. Did you ask this to your other two children too? What did they say? (I’m interested in this topic as you can read in: http://expatsincebirth.com/2013/04/10/why-home-is-not-a-geographical-location-for-tcks/). – I’m really glad I found your blog and I’m looking forward to reading more about your Dutch life experience!
Hello and thank you for reading my blog. I’m always amazed by the connections we share through our common interests. I know that they say not to ask TCK kids where they are from, but its a question that seems to innocently come up in most new conversations. My younger two kids feel like home is back in California and they do not consider the Netherlands as home. My oldest child feels more liberated, like he could live anywhere and does not feel attached to Sunnyvale. He would prefer to stay in the Netherlands. I am curious what their replies will be next year and 5 years and 10 years later. We don’t plan to make traveling and the expat lifestyle something that we continue to pursue, after this tour is complete. For me, I feel like I have three homes now, one here in the Netherlands, one back in Sunnyvale where we own a home, and third is where my family lives where I grew up in Thousand Oaks. I think it’s funny that I don’t consider the other places I have lived as home towns, even though I lived in each location for several years. I wonder what makes a place feel more permanent with roots, like home.
That’s very interesting what you say about what makes a place more “like home”. I think that there are several reasons why we consider a place “like home”: the experiences we’ve made there (country, city) and the people we’ve met etc. and the feeling(s) we associate with that place. In my memory I have several places I would put in a “grey” zone and others that are definitely more important. I’ll think about this.
Hi Adrianna, Saw your post to vball group and was wondering when you were coming back so I clicked over to your blog. Being a TCK myself I was curious about this one. I wanted to weigh in on “expatsincebirth”‘s surprise about your kids answering so quickly that they are from California. Your kids have a foundation here in the States, friends, house, a neighborhood they know. It’s easy for them to answer where “home” is and I believe that you’ve pitched it as “we’re going on a adventure and we’ll be back home soon”. All that makes a difference. The issue with TCK’s is when they haven’t lived in the country they are “from” or don’t remember it. I always knew I was an American and was from “The United States”. I was born here as it clearly stated on my passport, but didn’t remember anything having moved when I was young. The harder issue was coming back and saying your were from “The States” or rather “New York” and yet not knowing anything about it. You don’t know the tv shows, celebrities, local politics or issues, the pop music, any of the pop culture items…and yet you say you are “from” here. That’s when it feels weird cause you know you are a fraud.
Hi Felicia! Thank you for writing. I love hearing everyone’s responses and interpretations. It’s interesting the different perspectives we have. I’m trying to understand what it all means while being in it, which is a challenge. I’m sure next year I’ll have a better understanding. My kids definitely have a sense of home, and the younger ones want to go back while the older one is happy staying abroad. Perhaps a year is only like a really long vacation. We’ll see!
So great reading your post! Thanks for sharing. Raising TCKs in Africa . . .