Today I felt anxiety and I didn’t know why. I felt frustrated and angry and like I didn’t know how to make a decision. It didn’t make sense to me, but I knew I didn’t feel good at all.
I decided to go meet Julie at the TRX class because my new goal is to get strong and fit and this class supposedly will kick my a double s. On the way to the gym, I just started to cry. I felt such a longing to be back in Holland and not where I was at that moment.
I didn’t know why exactly I was crying, but it was a big release. And as I cried I realized this was one of those moments of accepting what is and being aware of the hidden feelings I wasn’t acknowledging out loud and now they were coming out wet. Ahhh…. Social media is a great thing to help keep us connected, and this week I was feeling the sense of loss as and change and adapting and resettling and chaos and being fat all at once! That’s a lot to carry! Not really, but it was my instability at that moment and its ok and it’s real.
I miss my girlfriends in Holland. I miss seeing everyone in the cafeteria. I missed the dance party in Vondel Park. I miss chatting with Barbara and doing yoga with Jen and biking with Patti Beth and sleepovers with Joseine’s kids, and meeting up for ice cream with Jen and Carolyn and Patty and holding Amy’s baby and waiting for the bus with Lauren and Karina and Jen and PB and on and on and on. And I miss the white swans in my canal, and I realized that when Christine acknowledged the differences in pelicans and swans and feeling out of place when she commented on my picture on Facebook. That was the trigger, along with the pictures and status updates from my friends in Amsterdam.
Christine acknowledged what I wasn’t saying. She was aware of my sense of loss and place and belonging to two worlds now and that it is ok. I’m just adapting and today was a struggle. She saw that I accept the beauty and gifts that surround me now but that doesn’t negate that I feel a bit lost in the transition.
Lenka also helped me feel and acknowledge this yesterday when I ran into her at Costco. Se said I’ll probably feel this way for a long time and that I might always feel a sense of loss. I think she might be right and that’s ok too. I am so thankful for the experience and it has changed me. I just don’t know how to process all the changes just yet. In time I will. I’m just in it right now. And when you’re in the process of change, you have to keep looking forward and dream new dreams. Like getting fit!
So I wiped off my tears and accepted a hug from Julie who also understands what it is like to be from two places and went on with my butt kicking TRX class followed by a good stretching and balancing and breathing yoga class.
And all was well again. I felt strong and balanced and relaxed and ready to go again and ready to feel and be alive and happy in this moment, despite the chaos and uncertainty. I chatted with my sister on the way home and made a lunch and shopping date with my mama who is still in town. I am thankful for the gift of time with her, right here, right now.