Life IS. Not fair.

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I like to see the good in this world and focus my attention here. I choose to celebrate life daily, finding a nugget of happiness even on the less than perfect days.

And even on the almost perfectly imperfect days, while I’m celebrating a moment of joy, I am aware that others are suffering.

Like today.

Today I was filled with joy, anticipating Christian putting on his first tuxedo as he was going to prom tonight. I was admiring my baby and how he has grown up into a tall, kind and handsome young man. I enjoyed watching my husband help him with his shirt buttons and cuff links. I loved watching his transformation in front of my eyes.

And while I was enjoying my moment of joy, I was thinking of Chase and his family and feeling their sadness. It’s been a year and a half since he passed away and it just doesn’t feel fair. Life just is. Yin and yang. Joy and sadness, swirled.

*big sigh*

As we were getting ready, I happened to glance at Facebook and learned that my friend’s daughter passed away from a horrible disease, cystic fibrosis. I felt for their family and the pain they are experiencing today and that will continue. I was crying tears of happiness and sadness at the same time.

I think we are all connected and that their children, are our children. And their pain, is our pain. And the other mamas, are part of me too.

As I was feeling joy and celebrating my son tonight, I was also feeling sadness for their loss. Yin and yang. Life is. Not fair. It just is.

nAMaste, BeLOVErs – wherever you are in this moment of life.

Rest in peace, Hunter.

20Jan2016

The Other Side

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My other mother passed to the other side of life today after a long and brave fight with cancer. I am feeling sad for her family and the end of her journey too soon.

I am thankful that you helped raise me and taught me such great morals and values. Thank you! You were a great role model and touched so many lives just by being you. I loved how you always sent me birthday cards and signed them Mom #2. I loved how you loved your family, especially your husband. I loved your determination to get on your bike no matter what. I loved that you lived out your Christian values.

You are loved and missed. I hope you’re riding your bike all the way to heaven!

nAMaste

7Oct2015

How to Stay Positive When You’re Brokenhearted

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Today was hard. It is the anniversary of Chase Varney’s death today and it sucks. He was only a high school, senior. My son will be a senior next year. This is too close to my heart and I adore and admire his mother and I can only imagine what she is feeling right now. Heart broken.

I felt paralyzed and helpless. I felt anger and sadness and loneliness. I felt compassion and frustration and helplessness. I also felt grateful and guilty. I felt present and short-tempered and nervously laughed a lot. I was anxious.

I am not in control and I feel vulnerable and fearful and sad and mad all at the same time.

How is one supposed to be positive when you’re dealing with such negative feelings?

This is what we need to learn to do. We need to learn to carry on, despite the S*(#. We need to teach our kids and ourselves that we are going to face ugly moments and days and we can get through them. We don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to be sad. We get to choose how to deal with the bad things, just as we know how to deal with the good things. When we make bad choices, we can recover. One bad choice does not define us and this too shall pass. It’s okay to mess up. We’re all still learning. Do our kids really know this? Do they know how to make mistakes? I don’t know for sure, but I’m hoping we teach them to fail and to be resilient.

No one thing or event defines all of us. We can be broken and we can start again. We can be forgiven and we can rebuild. We have to be kind to ourselves and allow the pain to just be without feeding it.

I just ate an entire chocolate bar. I am feeling it. I am lost.

I don’t have to have all the answers and it’s okay to cry my eyes out. I did that tonight. I yelled tonight too. I’m so frustrated.

And then I wiped away my tears, and said enough. I didn’t want to cry the rest of the night. I was crying that ugly cry and it felt good to let it out and I don’t like to lose self control and to cry like that.

Charlie asked if I wanted to hear a good story. Thank God for the littles. I said yes, please. Lift me up and share something good because I am so sad right now. And he did.

He told me how he won a raffle prize tonight for wearing his shirt. Another new kid forgot to wear his member-shirt and this was his first year participating. Charlie chose to give his prize to the new kid and made his night. Seriously? He knows compassion already and to be self-less? Good job, Charlie boy. I am proud of you. You’re getting the meaning behind this life circus. I am proud of you and this story was just the right one I needed to hear tonight. Thank you for this precious gift. Thank you for being you, kind and loving and compassionate.

I smiled. I cried. I smiled again.

We are all a little broken. Let’s choose to take care of each other. Let’s choose to forgive others and ourselves and to offer do-overs and compassion. Let’s support one another and lift each other up.

And just maybe we’ll get through this life happily ever after together.

nAMaste

p.s. These little gifts brought light and warmth to me today, still a year later. Thank you Elizabeth and ML for your gifts of friendship. I love you.

11Feb2015

Heartbroken

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Today I Am sad.

Grief comes in waves and you never know when a wave is going to come crashing.

Today is Chase’s 18th birthday and he’s celebrating it in heaven, while the rest of us remember and grieve in our own ways.

I can’t imagine what the pain feels like for his mama and dad and brother and sister, if what we are feeling is like this.

The only thing I know is that we have to keep paddling to not drown.

And so we moved through our day, doing what we “had” to do, yet feeling such an extreme loss and feeling confused, not really understanding why.

I know that he was loved and that his family is loved beyond words, beyond gifts, beyond what is. Everyone wanted to share in the pain and to love them through it, providing tangible and intangible help.

Maybe that’s all we’re supposed to do. Just love, and wait and be kind and lift each other up while we wait for this feeling, this wave of grief, to subside.

Wishing us all peace and love. xo

Love you.

19Oct2014

Comfort

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Most of my family was together this weekend. Several of us couldn’t be there, but for those that could and did gather, we provided comfort for each other.

We experienced a family tragedy that we cannot comprehend and the pain is still raw and will be for quite awhile. We needed to hold each other, and to share time and space as we experienced the loss and tried to figure out what and why and how, even though we’ll never really know the answers. Life is a mystery, and sometimes it’s dark and doesn’t make sense and we have to figure out a new normal.

We came together to celebrate life and to do what we always do. We met at my mom and my dad’s house and just hung out together. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t formal. It just was. And it was so comforting just being with one another, and being our true and vulnerable selves.

We sat on the couches, watched the football game, swung on the porch swing, chatted and laughed, ate and drank, cleaned up the dishes and food, and looked out for the kids and each other. We told jokes and shared memories and teased one another. There were no expectations and there was no rush. We just were together in a shared space and we provided love and comfort for one another in it’s many different forms. No one wanted to leave.

We tried to comfort one another during our time of sorrow, and even though we can’t take away the pain, we found comfort sharing tears and hugs, unspoken and spoken words and love.

We found comfort in each other, and for this I am thankful.

When life is a mystery, how do you find comfort?

I wish you well, my BeLoveRs! xoxo

10Sep2014

Messy Relationships

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“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

Relationships – Part 2

This is the week of relationship challenges.

I had another situation this week that left me saddened.

I was not chosen for something and it hurt my feelings. I felt rejected by my friend and at the same time accepted her decision. As I dealt with my feelings of rejection, I also practiced letting go of anger and accepting her and her choice, even though it wasn’t my favorite choice.

I am practicing letting go of hurt and sadness and moving on as quickly as possible, after acknowledging the sense of loss. I don’t want to dwell on loss and pain and sadness, even though these feelings are also part of life. I want to acknowledge the feelings and release them so that they don’t consume my mind space. This is a practice, let me tell you, but it’s so worth it. There are so many other opportunities to explore and one loss shouldn’t take away our energy, but rather should energize us to try new things and to create new relationships.

I choose to let go.

I chose to share my story of disappointment with my kids. I wanted them to know that even as adults, we will sometimes get hurt by others choices and that we have to find peace in that. We all experience rejection in different forms, and we cannot always be chosen for the team, for the role in a play that we wanted, as a friend, for a job, as a partner, etc, and we have to develop ways to cope with the changes that life delivers to us.

I wanted to teach compassion and forgiveness. I wanted them to be aware that we are sometimes the ones that do the unintentional hurting, and that I want them to be careful with their choices and their relationships and to be mindful of how their actions affect others. I wanted to teach them self confidence, and to be ok with themselves, when they are rejected for whatever reason, and to carry on.

They got it. They understood. They shared how they have dealt with similar experiences and shared compassion with me. And then I cried. Because I was understood and was thankful that my little ones got it.

Life is good. I am ok. We move on and it’s ok. Shine.

19Jul2014

Blogging Vacation

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Friends – I am taking a blogging vacation. I will miss you and hope you’ll join me again next week. Sometimes you just need to unplug.

Before I go, I’ll leave you with a story.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am to work on my photo-storage-backup-elephant in the room before everyone woke up or needed anything from me.

I keep putting it off as you know and the elephant died.

I was moving the 3700+ photos to a safe place and before the migration was complete, an error message popped up. All of a sudden, my 3700 turned into 10. Where did they go?

Just lost.

Gone.

I was extremely sad for my loss, especially as I was trying to fix my problem.

I decided to try to recover. I went through the steps to recover a backup from iCloud. I followed the rules. I read help pages and sought advice.

But my elephant must be just too big.

8 hours later my problem is still not resolved. I felt many emotions. Sadness. Anger. Frustration.

As I sat with my frustration and tried to get control over it, I cleaned and organized everything else. That’s what I do when I get flustered and had a short temper. I get quiet and I clean. Weird. And I laugh when I should cry. And then I cry. And then I say so what.

So what. I mean, really.

They are photos and memories of the past. I’m holding on to the past and wasting the present moment. I hate that. Let it go, mantra, remember?

As I sat there feeling sad and mad at myself for not keeping up with my photo project, I thought of real loss and the families who died in the airplane accident this week, and all the other real pain that people carry. This is nothing. It’s just a little something.

I am walking away from the problem for today as I had enough.

Despite the chaos of life, I always look for the silver lining and there were several today.

My sister was texting me throughout the day and “listened” and supported me and reminded me to breathe. Thank you. I love that you get me.

My kids were so patient when our expectations for the day changed. Even though they had lots of questions, and were waiting, they were helpful and got it even though they thought I was crazy.

My husband is my rock. He went and got lunch for everyone. He helped with the technical solutions, even though he doesn’t really want to be family tech support. When I wanted to give up, he offered another idea and took me to his office where the wifi speed is faster than our home. He didn’t give up on me, even when I wasn’t so nice. I really like you. Thank you.

After nothing was working, I finally chose to give up. We got back in the car with the kids, and I just sat quietly in defeat.

As I sat still, I let go. We have places to be. I will deal with the elephant carcass next week.

I will be thankful for the love and support I received today and be ok with my loss.

So that’s why I’m taking a break.

Going unplugged this week. I need a tech cleanse. Aaaahhhhh.

Namaste. xo

19Apr2014

Miss You MamMam

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MamMam died today and I have felt a deep sadness all day. It’s a sadness that lingered and permeated by body as I moved through our busy day, when all I wanted to do was to be still and feel her presence. It’s so strange to me how when someone you love dies, the world keeps on moving and not everyone else knows this event happened. I feel like the earth opened up a hole and she fell through and then the hole closed up again and everyone kept moving on, not even noticing the hole and that she left us. But those who loved her, still feel her and the hole in our hearts is huge, and you can’t see that either.

MamMam is my children’s great grandmother, Jeff’s grandmother, and my PEO Sister. She was just shy of her 90th birthday. She loved to read my blog and would read it every day on her ipad. I have loved writing, knowing that I was providing her with a little bit of entertainment and a glimpse into our life away from her and PopPop. My writing and her reading made me feel connected to her. And now she’s not there anymore and that makes me really sad.

PopPop – I know how much you loved her and how well you cared for her and how you both dedicated your life to each other and your family. You both have been and are my heroes and I strive to be like you and her in my marriage and with my family. Just last month you both shared your 71st wedding anniversary and I treasured our long conversation with you both sharing your love and tips for success, so humbly and graciously. I’m so sorry that you’re constant companion has moved on to her eternal life with Jesus and I pray for you to find peace in the days that are ahead.

Miss you MamMam. Love our family. xo

Julie and MamMam

13Dec2013

Got Grace?

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I saw this on a bumper sticker today, and it stuck on my mind.

I think it’s the secret to overcoming tragedy, frustration and darkness. We don’t always get to pick the life we wish to experience, and when it changes as it always does, let’s hope we know what grace looks and feels like and can hold on.

I’ve been thinking about grace all day, and wish this for all who are suffering, at this moment, with the hope and knowledge that this too shall pass and life does and will get better again.

Sometimes the world is dark and chaotic and we’re not sure how we will get through the craziness. Grace is that calmness that takes over our body and leads us quietly forward as we navigate through the unknown, one foot in front of the other.

Grace allows us to positively face our fear and not lose control, and is something we can cling to as we figure out how to care for ourselves going forward, even when we are scared.

Grace is what saved me in my darkest hour and grace is what I wish for you, when you’re not sure of the way. Just remember, this too shall pass, and you are loved.

Namaste.

15Apr2013

Day 264: Love and Light

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This morning a family friend passed away from cancer. I grew up camping with Mike Lagas and his family since I was two years old. He wasn’t much older than me and it saddens me to think of his life passing so soon. On the same day, his grandmother also died. Sending condolences to the Lagas family.

Love and light are the words that seem to offer condolences. We send love to the person experiencing pain and pray that love and hope will bring them out of their current darkness, and back into the light again, all in time.

Today has been a bit dark for several people and especially for those at the Boston Marathon. I pray for peace and safety for the survivors, and healing for those injured. God bless those who were killed and their families and loved ones who have to continue living after this tragedy. Sending love and light.

We don’t have control over life, but we can continue to walk together, to support one another, and share love and light along the journey.

Namaste.

These blooming flowers were all seen today.