mystery of life | here i am

Most of my family was together this weekend. Several of us couldn’t be there, but for those that could and did gather, we provided comfort for each other.

We experienced a family tragedy that we cannot comprehend and the pain is still raw and will be for quite awhile. We needed to hold each other, and to share time and space as we experienced the loss and tried to figure out what and why and how, even though we’ll never really know the answers. Life is a mystery, and sometimes it’s dark and doesn’t make sense and we have to figure out a new normal.

We came together to celebrate life and to do what we always do. We met at my mom and my dad’s house and just hung out together. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t formal. It just was. And it was so comforting just being with one another, and being our true and vulnerable selves.

We sat on the couches, watched the football game, swung on the porch swing, chatted and laughed, ate and drank, cleaned up the dishes and food, and looked out for the kids and each other. We told jokes and shared memories and teased one another. There were no expectations and there was no rush. We just were together in a shared space and we provided love and comfort for one another in it’s many different forms. No one wanted to leave.

We tried to comfort one another during our time of sorrow, and even though we can’t take away the pain, we found comfort sharing tears and hugs, unspoken and spoken words and love.

We found comfort in each other, and for this I am thankful.

When life is a mystery, how do you find comfort?

I wish you well, my BeLoveRs! xoxo

Charlie has been waiting for Sinterklaas to come to our house in California since last month. He has put his shoes out and left notes in them, and sang a few songs, anticipating and wishing that he’d come by. Every morning he has been checking his shoes, and nothing has been there. I kept telling him that I didn’t think he was going to be able to make it to America from Europe, but he never gave up hoping. He has also been pretty mischievous and I’ve been coaching him to behave and be a better listener, telling him that there is no way Sinterklaas nor Santa Claus will be stopping by our house this year, if he doesn’t start behaving better. I think the challenge worked. He has been working extra hard the last week or so to follow directions and to say, “Yes Mom!!”

He reminded me again this morning that Sinterklaas was coming tonight on December 5th. All evening he kept singing really loudly and looking out the window and listening for him, a bit nervously. I still told him not to expect anything, but did tell him that I was proud of him for improving his behavior. The smart kid said to me, “Mama, if he doesn’t come, can you just get me a gift instead?” So cute, but I said no.

He was getting ready for bed and was in the bathroom, and decided to pray to the bobble head Santa sitting on the counter, praying that by the time he got out of the bathroom that Sinterklaas would knock at the door. Jeff heard the loud knock at the back door and called to Charlie to ask him if heard the knocking sound. Charlie was shocked! His prayer came true. He came out of the bathroom, a bit scared and looking around, not quite sure where to look. I looked out the front door, but nothing was there. Jeff said it sounded like the sound came from the back patio door and that the patio light was on! Charlie was scared to death and couldn’t believe his eyes.

Outside the door was a sack filled with surprises. Jeff and Charlie opened the door and discovered all the generous gifts that Sinterklaas left for our family. The excitement and look on his face was priceless.

Hearing him thank Sinterklaas was so cute. He said that he could smell the pepernoten out on the patio!