Life IS. Not fair.

I like to see the good in this world and focus my attention here. I choose to celebrate life daily, finding a nugget of happiness even  on the less than perfect days.

And even on the almost perfectly imperfect days, while I’m celebrating a moment of joy, I am aware that others are suffering.

Like today.

Today I was filled with joy, anticipating Christian putting on his first tuxedo as he was going to prom tonight. I was admiring my baby and how he has grown up into a tall, kind and handsome young man. I enjoyed watching my husband help him with his shirt buttons and cuff links. I loved watching his transformation in front of my eyes.

  
And while I was enjoying my moment of joy, I was thinking of Chase and his family and feeling their sadness. It’s been a year and a half since he passed away and it just doesn’t feel fair.  Life just is. Yin and yang. Joy and sadness, swirled.

*big sigh*

As we were getting ready, I happened to glance at Facebook and learned that my friend’s daughter passed away from a horrible disease, cystic fibrosis. I felt for their family and the pain they are experiencing today and that will continue. I was crying tears of happiness and sadness at the same time.

I think we are all connected and that their children, are our children. And their pain, is our pain.  And the other mamas, are part of me too.

As I was feeling joy and celebrating my son tonight, I was also feeling sadness for their loss. Yin and yang. Life is. Not fair. It just is. 

nAMaste, BeLOVErs – wherever you are in this moment of life. 

Rest in peace, Hunter.

How to Stay Positive When You’re Brokenhearted

Today was hard. It is the anniversary of Chase Varney’s death today and it sucks. He was only a high school, senior. My son will be a senior next year. This is too close to my heart and I adore and admire his mother and I can only imagine what she is feeling right now. Heart broken.

I felt paralyzed and helpless. I felt anger and sadness and loneliness. I felt compassion and frustration and helplessness. I also felt grateful and guilty. I felt present and short-tempered and nervously laughed a lot. I was anxious.

I am not in control and I feel vulnerable and fearful and sad and mad all at the same time.

How is one supposed to be positive when you’re dealing with such negative feelings?

This is what we need to learn to do. We need to learn to carry on, despite the S*(#.  We need to teach our kids and ourselves that we are going to face ugly moments and days and we can get through them. We don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to be sad. We get to choose how to deal with the bad things, just as we know how to deal with the good things.  When we make bad choices, we can recover. One bad choice does not define us and this too shall pass. It’s okay to mess up. We’re all still learning. Do our kids really know this? Do they know how to make mistakes? I don’t know for sure, but I’m hoping we teach them to fail and to be resilient.

No one thing or event defines all of us. We can be broken and we can start again. We can be forgiven and we can rebuild. We have to be kind to ourselves and allow the pain to just be without feeding it.

I just ate an entire chocolate bar. I am feeling it. I am lost.

I don’t have to have all the answers and it’s okay to cry my eyes out. I did that tonight. I yelled tonight too. I’m so frustrated.

And then I wiped away my tears, and said enough. I didn’t want to cry the rest of the night. I was crying that ugly cry and it felt good to let it out and I don’t like to lose self control and to cry like that.

Charlie asked if I wanted to hear a good story. Thank God for the littles. I said yes, please. Lift me up and share something good because I am so sad right now. And he did.

He told me how he won a raffle prize tonight for wearing his shirt. Another new kid forgot to wear his member-shirt and this was his first year participating. Charlie chose to give his prize to the new kid and made his night. Seriously? He knows compassion already and to be self-less? Good job, Charlie boy. I am proud of you. You’re getting the meaning behind this life circus. I am proud of you and this story was just the right one I needed to hear tonight. Thank you for this precious gift. Thank you for being you, kind and loving and compassionate.

I smiled. I cried. I smiled again.

We are all a little broken. Let’s choose to take care of each other. Let’s choose to forgive others and ourselves and to offer do-overs and compassion. Let’s support one another and lift each other up.

And just maybe we’ll get through this life happily ever after together.

nAMaste

p.s. These little gifts brought light and warmth to me today, still a year later. Thank you Elizabeth and ML for your gifts of friendship. I love you.


The Best Part 

This was the best part of my day.

Charlie’s eye ball.

  
It was the best part because he was sitting right next to me as we watched Juliana play water polo and I had fun taking pictures of him. He was the one who took my phone and cropped and focused the new photo on just his eye ball. I loved his creativity and truly saw him sitting next to me.

I loved being at the pool with all my kids. I loved being in the sunshine and watching my kids play, while talking with my girlfriends and having my little buddy by my side. 

I truly loved this and was fully aware and present in this moment. Sometimes my mind is preoccupied, but today I was aware and thankful.

Again, I was missing Chase and knew in my heart that I needed to be grateful for all that is good and to be present and to enjoy my chaotic life. And so I did.

Life is good.

What was your favorite part of the day?

When It Hurts

I want to use a swear word, but I’ll hold myself back.

Stuff happens all the time and we don’t always like it or know what to do with it, especially the stuff we didn’t choose to happen.

We tend to focus on the good stuff and we seem to know what to do with that. But what about the bad stuff? How do we know how to go on again and reclaim our future and redefine our new path and accept that it’s ok to move on from here?

It’s hard to know.

It’s coming up on the one year anniversary that Chase died and we’re feeling it. We’re not really sure what to do with the feelings and there are no simple solutions or one size, fits all remedy. We want to reach out and connect and console one another and talk about it, and it hurts.  We want to offer comfort and care, and we’re not sure how best to do it. We want to give gifts and be together and share our stories and hear each other.  Maybe we just have to be.

I lit a candle and said a prayer. I called and texted loved ones. All throughout the days, while I’m working and driving and thinking, I am sitting with and feeling the sadness and loss more so again this week and am trying to accept it.  I wonder when the acceptance phase kicks in.

We don’t have all the answers.

To all who are hurting, I wish you love and peace and hope to carry on.

We love you Chase and miss you.

namaste

Clouds

Chase died 6 months ago today and I remember the foggy day and paying attention to the clouds.

Today I couldn’t stop watching the clouds again and their beauty. It rained off and on today and was windy and the cloud formations were stunning.  

  

I even saw a rainbow.

  

I think the rainbow offers light and hope and peace.

I wish for peace for my cousin and our family and for you.

Love and light.

nAMaste BeLoveRs

xo

Heartbroken

Today I Am      sad.

Grief comes in waves and you never know when a wave is going to come crashing.

Today is Chase’s 18th birthday and he’s celebrating it in heaven, while the rest of us remember and grieve in our own ways.

I can’t imagine what the pain feels like for his mama and dad and brother and sister, if what we are feeling is like this.

The only thing I know is that we have to keep paddling to not drown.

And so we moved through our day, doing what we “had” to do, yet feeling such an extreme loss and feeling confused, not really understanding why.

I know that he was loved and that his family is loved beyond words, beyond gifts, beyond what is. Everyone wanted to share in the pain and to love them through it, providing tangible and intangible help.

Maybe that’s all we’re supposed to do. Just love, and wait and be kind and lift each other up while we wait for this feeling, this wave of grief, to subside.

Wishing us all peace and love. xo

Love you.

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Friends

“If you have one close, trusted friend, you are truly fortunate.” – Rabbi Earl Grollman

At Chase’s funeral, there were probably over 500+ people there to bear witness and say goodbye. I wonder if he knew how many people truly loved him and were touched by his passing.  Seeing everyone there and watching their faces and expressions of love and grief, made me wish that there could have been an angel like Clarence from “It’s a Wonderful Life” to save Chase.  I wonder if he knew how fortunate he was and how many people truly loved him.

There were girlfriends, and wrestling friends, marine friends, and football friends, neighbor friends and family friends, teacher friends and coaching friends.  He and his family were surrounded by love and caring hearts that wanted to comfort his family and comfort one another.  I have faith in our youth. They/we expressed love and pain and shed tears and hugs and it was powerful to be part of the journey together.

Friends and family united to celebrate a dear, beloved, young one. People have been so kind and loving and generous and giving through so many different ways. We are connected through love and pain, joy and sorrow.  And people want to take care of each other to ease the pain and to help walk through the grief together.  Friends are an amazing gift.

“Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys”– Alphonse de Lamartine (1790-1869)

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I am thankful and fortunate for my family and friends, that comfort me and make this life journey a better experience every day.

I wish you peace and love and the gift of friendship that helps to carry the burdens of life.

Namaste.

“Those who bring sunshine to others, cannot keep it from themselves.” – Sir James Barrie